To connect? To fill a void? To express love?…To just feel something?
I am currently 8 months into my celibacy journey and during this time, I have reflected a lot on past lovers. Some of my choices haven’t been the best, but I suppose I’ve not been the best choice for someone else too. Amazing how us humans use each other. I don’t say this with a sour tongue. It’s character building…
I know you’ve noticed major changes in yourself, friends and family members after going through a break up. Having to re-define ourselves and let go of the past can be challenging and all too many of us have been guilty of fucking someone in order to get over someone else. We bury our pain with a scent of another and hope the feelings will eventually go away. But they don’t. Not if you refuse to face them.
These mother fuckers will find a way to show up in a variety of situations with different people. To try and make you face the feeling again; in order to heal it. You’ll be triggered. When you are being triggered, it is a trauma response to your environment. Your body remembers the feeling and relates it back to a previous time you felt that way, whether you are consciously aware of it or not - its the body’s conditioning to keep you safe. This can sometimes activate our fight or flight response and heighten our emotional state; leading us to think erratically and act like a cunt for no reason. You could be going mad at your new partner for something your ex used to do 2 years ago and not even notice.
THIS IS WHY HEALING IS IMPORTANT PEOPLE!
It allows us to be self aware. To truly understand ourselves and our motivations. Healing provides clarity and allows us to be open and vulnerable with our loved ones. It allows us to connect. Not only with our loved ones but with ourselves. And the deeper we connect with ourselves, the better we can show up for those we love; it's contagious.
Thinking back to how some of my earliest lovers were makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. The experiences were empty and emotionless. As my regular readers will know, my younger years were filled with trauma around the matter. Not understanding it and refusing to acknowledge the pain, created more mess moving forward. After repeating the same hurtful cycle for numerous years, I needed to pull myself out of the depression I was in. I decided to take accountability for my well-being by revisiting my past, facing the pain and reconditioning my mind and body. As painful as it was, I still had a long journey in front of me, but I was able to create better connections with myself and those around me.
Fast forward a few years to my early twenties and shit was popping. The quality of men I was giving my attention to, and attracted, increased big time and the sex was a thousand times better. I didn’t know you could fuck Iike that. I’m not talking about boyfriends. I’m talking about an array of situationships, men I enjoyed spending time with (one at a time, I had fun but not that much fun 😉) and cared about but could never fully commit to. We had the best times, ate the best food, smoked some good grade, listened to great music... I learnt a lot from them. They genuinely helped build my confidence and I respect them for it but there always ended being some bullshit involved that I did not have time for. I don’t like leaving things bitter with my dudes; it just doesn’t sit well with me. BUT if you start causing me unnecessary drama, I am going to leave. Bye-bye.
The last few years I’ve found myself less and less interested in all that jazz. Deep connection (mind, body and spirit) is important for me and if I can’t get that, then you’re a risk I can’t afford. I’ve realised that being on my own and working on myself is the most rewarding thing I’ve done with my life. I always thought it was the men complicating things and dickstracting me but when reflecting, I also didn’t want what I thought I did most of the time. I was disconnected from my true self. Now I have clarity. Would I like someone to share shit with? Of course! But I’m not sacrificing my happiness for some controlling, co-dependancy, toxic bullshit. There’s a lot of that on the market these days.
So many of us stay in situations that no longer serve our highest good out of fear of being lonely. Theres a difference between being alone and being lonely. I love my own company, when I sit with myself I feel secure, I trust myself. I feel empowered. This doesn’t mean that I never feel lonely. My previous habitual pattern would be to seek a lover as soon as that feeling crept in. To quickly fill the void so I wouldn’t get sucked into it. I was fucking to escape and to avoid.
The difference now is, I know anything that I feel I am lacking, I can find within myself. I start by asking myself why I may be feeling that way - something so simple and effective but many of us do not do. The first thought that arises after this question may not be the right answer, but it leads to a trail of thoughts and awareness that brings me back home. Then I’ll feel my answer. Then I’ll take action.
I don’t wanna just fuck these men because these men are a fucking mess.
Don’t get it twisted ladies, you are too! I’m holding all you bitches accountable. (where applicable)
Hence the celibacy, I've done it a few times in the past but this time its different. My focus has increased, I feel more feminine which I was not expecting, but I am loving. My confidence has increased, my mind is clear, I am aligned and so bloody grateful. I am beginning to know peace.
Until I get horny…
Then I turn into a succubus sent from the depts of Liliths pit in hell. I want to tease men. I want to entice men. Seduce them slowly, devour them and take their penises on a string to wear around my neck as a trophy.
I’m just playing. But you catch my drift, the levels of arousal are POWERFUL.
Instead, I am using that kundalini energy to learn, create and to access. My meditations have been euphoric and I am feeling more attuned than ever before. My creative mojo is coming back slowly; I will not force it. Patience is something I have always struggled with and now that I am practicing being in the moment my heart is so full of gratitude.
Sometimes the things we chase and love aren't what our being needs, the cycles have to break to allow new magic in. Stop being scared to move differently and don't fuck if you don't know why you're fucking. That insatiable hunger for sexual arousal can be used for so much more than a meaningless beat.
Use your power wisely.
Loving you,
SIS xox
images are sourced from @infinitebeingss on instagram.