How often have you been in a situation where you haven’t expressed your true feelings?
In a meeting at work? During an argument with your partner? To your parents?
For me, there’s been too many times to count.
When I reflect back on moments where I haven’t expressed myself authentically, I always seem to be pulled to my dating experiences. I think a lot of dating situations have failed because of my lack of honesty. I used to hide the fact that I wanted a deep, intimate connection but would throw myself into situationships thinking the guys would give me what I wanted… how fucking backwards is that?
I was doing myself a serious injustice by not admitting I wanted a deep connection - I didn’t want to ‘scare’ them off. This path lead to a lot of let downs and unfulfilling moments of disconnected pleasure. How could I expect these men to accommodate to my needs when I was too scared to vocalise them? And not only to the men but to MYSELF. The idea of opening up and revealing my truest emotions was so foreign to me; it made me feel physically sick. The last time I told a partner I loved them and genuinely meant it, I cried. For a good thirty minutes. It was a cry of relief, mixed with a little bit of sadness and worry. The vulnerability felt enlightening but also scary…
I know the reasons why I don’t express my true feelings when I should, and it all comes down to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being ridiculed. I can be a strong individual but there’s something about this kind of confrontation and boundary setting that makes me feel uneasy. The uneasiness is a signal; one both you and I should never ignore.
So... what do we do?
When this uncomfortable energy arises, rather than suppressing, ignoring or finding a route to escape - face it. Do not let your brain over think and steer you away from vocalising your needs; this will only result in frustration because you KNOW what you need to do. We can get so caught up in predicting the outcome of a scenario we have played out in our head. We convince ourselves that what we wish to express is no longer important or there’s no reason to express it, because we ‘know’ what the receiving party will say or do. You are not honouring yourself by making these assumptions and you have absolutely no right to assume your assumption is correct. The other party deserves a chance to understand you and express their own views on the matter.
Does this always end up in a lovely, calm discussion? Of course not, but it’s these uncomfortable conversations that enable us to deepen our connections in a healthy manner. It also enables us to filter through the shit. By ‘shit’ I am referring to the people who have no intention of maintaining your relationship. They just find it, and you, convenient. We do not have the time or energy to accommodate to these people.
We sometimes subconsciously avoid these kinds of discussions because we KNOW the person on the other end doesn’t value us the way we desire and we’re too scared to let them go.
JUST LET THEM GO HUN
ANY kind of relationship that does not have a healthy give and take with both parties on the same page, needs to be re-evaluated, re-positioned or deaded off completely. I know this is easier said than done. I have a few close friends that have been with me since I was a nipper and they always express how sentimental I am with my relationships. This is something I value, but can also be the reason for my misery. I have a tendency to base relationships on positives from the past and not what’s happening in the PRESENT. The present is all that matters, we can’t change the past or go back to live there.
Your focus should always be on what’s going on in the NOW.
This applies to all relationships. It could be your boyfriend who has chose to ignore your request for more intimate time together. Your girlfriend who is ignoring your need for patience and understanding during a time of transition. Your friend who is dumping a lot of their reoccurring issues onto you without taking action to change the situation. It could be your cousin who is needy and always wanting your validation with every tiny thing. Stop holding your tongue out of fear, speak up. Remind your partner, reinforce that boundary and own your truth.
Just because we have chosen to have someone in our lives, does not mean we have to succumb to their every want and need. We should, however, make time to listen and understand their requests on a deeper level. BUT be careful. When we prioritise other peoples pain and pleasures, we use our well-needed energy that should restore us, to restore them. Leaving us feeling like we are operating from a place of lack. It really isn’t our job to save people. Support them, yes, save, no!
I used to get off on appearing to be the ‘hero’ or ‘saviour’ in my relationships. You got a problem? Don’t worry darling, I will use my time to figure out a solution for you. You’re not feeling great today? Thats fine, I will go out of my way to ensure I make your day better. These may seem like nice things to do, but a lot of the time I was not in a great place myself. To be pouring what little energy I had into other people, left me feeling empty and unappreciated.
I was scared that if I vocalised needing to take a step back, I would loose the person I so desperately wanted to help. In reality, I never lost a person who was meant to be in my life. They respected my decision and needs; once I built up the bravery to express them. Many of the issues we have are in our head and are not the reality of the situation. I 100% support being compassionate and empathic towards your people BUT you must ensure YOUR emotions and needs are being prioritised.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO SAVE ANYONE.
When we are operating from a place of insecurity, we can overcompensate with our acts of service because we are wanting to cement our position in someone’s life. We go over and beyond for the other person because we are desperate for them to see our value. This is unhealthy - the person should see your value and make it known that you’re appreciated. You do not need to be doing the most. Anyone that just wants you for the things you can do for them; doesn’t deserve to have you. And the people who want and value you, will never leave you second guessing.
This is why self-love is so important. Operating from ego and trauma leaves our views and emotions distorted. Our perception of reality changes the more we heal. We should all be ‘saving' ourselves so that we inspire others to do the same. The domino effect. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own feelings and the best way to understand those feelings is to discuss them.
Be brave and bold, you are not silly, your views want to be heard. Find relationships that provide a safe space for you to discuss what’s on your mind, without painting you to be a villain. We are all in this crazy life together and the more we can start being open and honest about our true feelings and desires; the happier our lives will be.
YOU DESERVE A LIFE YOU LOVE.
Loving you,
SIS xox