Ahhhh, it’s the time of year that I love… and detest.
But why Shannon? I hear you ask.
Well, I love Autumn because I was born during this season. I love the colours of the leaves as they approach their divinely death. The air is fresh. The sunsets are dreamy. Layering up on clothes, log fires burning, food that warms the soul. Everything seems to just slow down, fall away or fall into place. Its the period of year where we begin to honour the bitterness outside and stay cosied up in the warmth with our loved ones.
A period of rest and reflection.
Autumn is the time of year I subconsciously start to run through the shit in my life and leave what no longer serves me. I feel like a part of this is due to my birthday and family holidays being towards the end of the year. It influences me to remember what is truly important. Throughout my life, I have very rarely had a partner during this time because I usually make a questionable decision during Summer and don’t want to drag that into the end of the year or potentially the new year. I get a download from the Universe that enables to me to see the relationship more clearly than I did before; its weird but I feel like its served me well.
I detest this time of year because it’s easier for me to feel lonely if I’m not careful.
Everywhere I look, I see couples. It’s harder for me to make plans with friends because they’re already doing things with their partners. Out of all of my friendship groups, I always seem to be the one who is single. I don’t mind majority of the time, but during the harder periods it feels like a kick in the face. A part of me begins to feel guilty because I have so much love around me but my family and friends can’t provide the deeper intimacy I am craving.
Its in the small things for me. Trying a new place to eat, a new activity. My desire to nurture and cook for someone. I know I can do these things for family and friends, and I do. But doing these things for a lover is a whole different kind of reward in my opinion. Or what about the nights where I want to do something but at the same time not anything at all? The perfect opportunity to get snuggled up and have the TV running in the background whilst I’m taking backshots.
But no, that can’t happen because there is not a suitor in sight.
I told my girl I was feeling lonely the other day and she told me I need to love myself. Admittedly, I was a little triggered at first because I do love myself hun. Like a fucking lot. The frustration comes in because I know how fucking amazing I am and the fact that I don’t have at least one potential person I could build a connection with is like bleurghhhh. Not to mention it’s always the bitches who are ten years deep in a relationship that wanna tell me that. Babes, do you even remember what it was like to be single? My friend was right though, the energy I am spending feeling a type of way about being alone, is energy I could be using to make myself feel loved even deeper than I already do.
I remind myself to go easy, my desire for love and connection is completely normal.
Now, if you didn’t already know, I am a hopeless romantic. I really do believe in love and all of its power and glory. I love being in connections that allow me to feel supported; connections that I’m able to share the beauty of life with. Getting to know someone and what makes them happy, sad, annoyed and excited. Doing things that evoke those good emotions within him, makes me feel good too. I want to amplify his life, making it as peaceful and pleasurable as possible.
One thing I’m not going to do, is give someone that side of me when they are unable to give me what I need. Sounds obvious, but time and time again, I have given a lot of myself (prematurely), expecting the same in return. These mother fuckers can just take, take and take with no guilt or acknowledgment. I have 0 tolerance with that bullshit but its the only thing the dating pool seems to offer me at the moment.
Every time I pull my tarot, they tell me I will meet my next love when travelling.
I am not planning on travelling for another year, so I’m just meant to remain untouched until then? I don’t think my vagina could bear the loneliness for that long. Just kidding, I would like to be caressed before then though. Its almost been 6 months since I’ve had some loving (full on penetration not just having my pussy ate) and its gone hella quick. I had to correct myself when chatting to a bredrin the other day because I referred to these 6 months as involuntary celibacy. That is a lie. It is voluntary, I could have had a multitude of men but they aren’t what I want. Having standards is exhausting in its own right. On one hand, I’m not drained by some half wit occupying space in my life. On the other, I am tired of fucking myself 3 times a day.
I'm at the stage where I’m laying in bed, craving the warmth of someone next to me. A lil kiss on the back of the neck/shoulder would go down treat. Waking up to him gently pushing his hardness against my booty as he reaches into my warm pool. I would be straight lying to you if I said it was just the sex I wanted, its not. It’s the whole ting. Them sleepy cuddles during the night, waking up explaining my fucked dream and discussing what I think it means. Days out, city breaks away. Unravelling the mystery of who they really are and how this relates to me, it’s all very exciting.
But damn, can a shawty get some attention and appreciation…like right now?
I am appreciated and I do get attention but its not from the calibre of man I want. Am I punching? Maybe, but id rather punch than settle. My mother says I’m far too critical and cut throat with men, but why would I spend attention and energy on someone romantically if I don’t feel like the right connection is there? I am my own worst enemy because I really do feel energy, if a man is nervous and I feel it, I find it a little unsettling. Something tells me they’re being inauthentic and I take it as a red flag even though I KNOW it may be genuine nerves. I don’t know why it rings up alarm bells of not being safe, but it does.
I have plenty of things to work on.
If I learnt anything from my latest relationship which was two years ago now, it would be that ignoring red flags is the dumbest move a bitch can make. They really are the same reasons you leave further down the line. Now Amber flags we can fuck with. Amber lets us know that this MAY be a problem but its not confirmed yet, so we carry on our little love experiments to get confirmation that this other person is the right fit.
Thats all life really is isn’t it? An experiment.
I feel we are all born as we are and then throughout our childhoods and the conditioning we endure, we reach adulthood and realise we’re not being authentic to ourself. So we try new things, we reignite old things, we dip our toes in numerous pools to try and figure out what brings us joy. What brings us closer to our truest selves and what brings us further away from our truth. Naturally, our likes and dislikes may change over time but to round it up, we’re all just searching for a way for our inner child to feel safe and thrive.
Love is the best medicine.
Although the coming months will continue to ignite my desire for connection, it’s also a message that this need can be met by components outside of romantic interests. It may not hit the spot like a lover will, but ultimately this is an opportunity for me to delve further into my wounds.
Reflecting back on the year so far, I have made mega improvements when it comes to discipline, knowing my worth and being patient. Now, if I were to have sex with someone just for the sake of physical connection; I feel like I would be dishonouring myself.
The kind of love I’m beaming for, is not easy to find but with a little hope and patience, I know I am being drawn closer to my hearts truest desires. So while many will be laid up with their loves. I will be laid up with my fury loves, reminding myself that great things take time and I am already blessed with so much love around me.
The best thing I can do for my future man, is work on who I am right now; so I can be the best woman for him when our paths collide. Is waiting frustrating? Yes, I legit feel I have been waiting forever! Does my heart know it will be totally worth it when it comes? FUCK YES.
I am exactly where I need to be.
With exactly who I need to be with.
I recognise and honour this part of my journey.
I draw my desires closer to me with an open mind and open heart.
I am forever grateful for the lessons that got me here and the lessons that are to come.
Stay cosy, Lovers
SIS xox