My PMS has been beating my ass this month.
I never get it too bad. Normally it’s manageable, but this time I have felt seriously out of control.
The crying, the heightened emotions, the continuous over thinking, the sadness - it’s felt overwhelming and all consuming.
I’ve isolated myself for the protection of others 🤣 but seriously it’s been intense…
Although I have felt frustrated, I am trying my hardest to tune in and see what my body is trying to tell me. What many women do not realise, is that our womb is the home of our emotions, whether they be good emotions or bad. I have noticed over the course of a few years, the more stressed I have been in the previous month, the more painful the period will be.
Here’s the weird thing, I have no physical pain this month. Just emotional. Usually my emotions are in check and the physical pain is the bitch!
I thought November was great, it was my birthday, my content was popping, I met new people and had fun so, what the fuck, mother nature?!
As much as I have been moaning; I have been paying attention. I’ve noticed this months crying is triggered when it comes to loneliness and failure. Its cuffing season, peoples are loved up and its cute as fuck to watch, but this is always the hardest time of year for single Shan.
I can’t remember the last time I had Christmas with a partner. Its definitely a subconscious thing because majority of the time I’ve been in relationships, I’ve left just before my birthday or Christmas. Its like I get this epiphany that the person I’ve chosen, isn’t the person my being actually needs. I don’t want them around my family at Christmas because subconsciously I don’t see them as worthy. Fucked up right? Saves me money on Christmas pressies though :)
I have gotten into many of my previous relationships because I have been lonely. I’m not saying the guys have been bad people because they haven’t. They’ve basically ended up being really good friends that I fuck, but not someone I would categorise as a life partner in the long run. I’ve previously become so tunnelled visioned with love that I would manipulate my reality to make it seem like I was receiving what I wanted, when in reality, many of my requirements hadn’t been met.
I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time. I just wanted someone to admire me, take care of me and to share things with. A true partner. The more internal work I am doing, the more I am realising how trauma lead I was previously. Old behaviours still nosey in here and there but I have the ability to recognise whether I am operating from a wounded place now. a
The deeper my love is becoming for myself, the more I am realising that I have no one around me that even comes close to what it is that I want in a man. I know it isn’t my time for romantic love at the moment. This fact tastes both sweet and bitter. I am grateful I no longer NEED a man for my happiness - that paradigm is long gone. However, it still doesn’t stop my desire to be craved and loved deeply. Patience is challenging but I know it will be worth the wait when the love of my life decides to show his fat head.
My bleed has made me realise just how much I value intimacy, not just physical intimacy but emotional too. It’s got me reflecting on my last sexual experience, yes the sex was great and the friendship is there but do I just want casual sex or the ability to build a beautiful connection? I want the connection - not with him though.
This is one of the things I wanted the years celibacy to reveal to me. Being a projector, my state is very dependant on my environment and I have the tendency to get things confused when I don’t have periods of time in solitude. Sexual energy really is an exchange and although I physically get on with my ting very well, I need the spirituality to back it too. I am deep and I need someone who is going to dive straight into my waters with no hesitation. Someone who ouses divine masculinity, someone so aligned in their energies that I have no choice but to lay on my back and receive the wisdom.
And while I fantasise about this delicious god of a man I will spin you onto the other thorn in my toe.
Failure…
When something fails, we automatically review and reflect to see what went wrong. I do this religiously with everything in my life and I am realising how unhealthy it can be. Sometimes shit doesn’t need an explanation, it just is.
We can get so lost in our thoughts that we create more issues for ourselves. I am currently trying to gain the resources and skills to create a business and I am shitting myself. The fear of failure is making me procrastinate which is pushing me further from self employment and further from my desired life.
I am my own worst enemy. We all are.
Ultimately this behaviour is creating a cycle of frustration over a business that I haven’t even launched yet! I'M SCARED. What if all of this work I am doing doesn’t give me the answers I had hoped for? What if I completely flop? What if people laugh at me? What if people don’t recognise me enough to help them?
These are some of the many thoughts that have been biting my ass. They are usually accompanied by very plausible answers too:
What if all of this work I am doing doesn’t give me the answers I had hoped for?
Either way Shan, you will get answers and opportunities that lead you to exactly where you need to be; no experience is wasted.
What if I completely flop?
No such thing as failure, only feedback. Use this flop as fuel. IF it even flops. IT WONT!
What if people laugh at me? They do that already babes, fuck em.
What if people don’t recognise me enough to help them?
People come to you DAILY for advice and help, you are already seen as that bitch so let’s amplify it!!
Now, do you see my frustration? I KNOW the answers. So the questions really need to fuck off and let me do my thing.
I thought I had all of this under control, I knew the little feelings were bouncing around somewhere but I thought I worked through them. The wisdom of the bleed has revealed that I in fact have not fully worked through them.
So, what has this bleed taught/reminded me?
Sex really isn’t enough. I NEED spiritual connection and emotional intimacy. Someone who is going to take their time really getting to know ALL of me.
Whenever I feel lonely, I need to bring my energy in rather than pushing it out for someone to fill that loneliness.
Taking things slowly will enable me to fully analyse a situation or person and determine whether it is right for me.
I will never have all of the answers and I don’t need them all.
No matter how many times you learn a lesson, you can ALWAYS learn it again!
My bleed has finally come and your girl can now breathe and be happy lol.
No-one said healing was easy!
Loving you,
SIS xx