I used to be flattered.
Until I realised majority of men (under the right circumstances) will literally fuck anything. In addition, if you are a physically attractive woman, there’s pretty much nothing some men won’t say (and on occasion do) to get you into his bed. To conquer you. To hang up your fave insta pic in the boys group chat as a 'trophy of the hunt'.
It gives me the ick.
I don’t enjoy bashing men, and this blog is not about that. I want to delve in to some of the experiences, conversation and realisations I’ve had as 25 year old woman on her healing journey.
Long gone are the days where I felt like just because a man finds me sexually attractive, he would want to get to know me on a deeper level. A lot of my loyal readers are aware of how much healing I have put towards developing my sensual side in a healthy manner. Listening to my intuition, forgiving myself for not knowing any better, and not acting out through a need of validation.
By no means am I saying I am fully healed from my past. This is years of conditioning and unhelpful behaviours that have forced me to put up walls, lead me to be too empathetic (and naive at times) and ultimately, landed me in some real shitty situationships.
I wasn’t aware of my value for a long time. I still have days now where I struggle, and that’s completely okay because I truly know deep down, I’m worth a fucking lot. I've done the work to make sure there's a whole lot of chest in that statement. Increasing my self-awareness has lead me to navigate the phases where I forget who the fuck I am. I now know not to engage in any form of activity with the male species during this time. Looking at my past, most of my relationships have came from a period where I was feeling a 'lack'. I wanted those men to fulfil something within me that I couldn’t fill myself.
Nothing new here, a lot of men and women do it. The difference for me now is…I don’t need saving, bitch.
Do I still like to have fun? Yes I bloody do! I have needs, as most of us do. But best believe the men in my life get vetted now. Words don’t mean much in this day and age, I learnt that the hard way. Making excuses for under emotionally developed and selfish men because ’they’re going through a hard time’, ‘they need a friend’, ‘I’m giving them sexual healing’.
Oh dear Shannon, a fool you have been. But a fool you shan’t continue to be.
A lot of these guys know exactly what they’re doing. The strings to pull, the words to say, especially if you have been dealing with them for a while. I have a select few motherfuckers that ALWAYS pop up into my life when I’m going through a struggling phase. The Universes test; that I have failed multiple times. I know better and that’s why I’ve previously gotten mad at myself because if the sex is good and I’m horny in that moment, one more time won’t hurt, right?
WRONG!
Sis, please get it together.
I remember pleading with some of my old tings. To get more frequent communication, to spend more time with me, to just see my bludclart value. I found my value and now they're trying to plead with me, ironic. The unfortunate truth is, majority of men put you into a category within the first few meets, maybe even before that. Theres no amount of negotiating and pleading that will shift you from that category. In the very rare occasion it may change, but 90% of the time, you staying there sis. In conjunction, women do that shit too, however, we are more likely to overlook those flaws and flags because we’re either already emotionally attached or we believe we can change him. Silly girl.
If a brudda wanted to, he would. It gets no simpler than that.
Men like to have access, it makes them feel powerful. They will spin you absolute bullshit to keep you in their life, the truth is in the actions. You cannot allow his words to over power his actions - unless he has made it very clear what the situation is, you need to believe him if he says he doesn't want to commit or wants to 'go with the flow'! You showing up as the 'perfect' woman will rarely change that.
If he values you, he will find a way to make the time, plan the date and do whatever. You just have to think of it like: the men you have no interest in, who are all up in your DM’s, that you reply to when you’re bored, but wouldn’t necessarily make exclusive time for. Versus the guy you like, whose influence on you, makes you check your phone every two seconds to see if he’s replied.
Its the same with men, only they juggle a lot more women in my experience. A lot of the time you are the former, and when you are latter, you fucking know. If the effort is mutual you’re not left wondering why, because the opposite party communicates and makes things clear. All too often I, and many women I know, like to craft some real imaginative stories as to why they aren’t receiving the effort they’re putting in - we don’t want to let go. We don't want to face the truth of rejection because we believe it correlates to our value. If you’re having the same conversations with him or her, about the same issues, the lack of changed behaviour says it ALL.
Our intuition knows, you know on a subconscious level, but you just don’t want to face the fucking music.
Then you end up hurt. Dumbo.
You’re not dumb, sorry about that. You just need more time in solitude to get to know yourself better. To understand what it is that you actually want and be prepared to wait for it, because there are some real low value men waiting to pounce on your weakness. You need to be prepared, and to be prepared means to do the work and be comfortable on your own. This will help you identify the gold from the shit.
At the moment, I’m still sieving through shit. Plus I’m not sure what I want and I’m kinda putting this down to the fact that I haven’t met the right person. I feel like I would be happy to commit if the guy was everything I wanted. At the same time, I'm not restricting myself of a good dicking down, there just needs to be a genuine connection there. I've met amazing people who I do value, just not in romantic context. Either way, going into any form of relationship without clear intentions and boundaries; never ends well.
I was talking with my darling Mother the other day, explaining to her how I feel it may be challenging for some men to view me in a ‘valuable’ light because of the work I do. I love talking about sex, its one of my purposes in life. May sound silly to some, but I know I’m here to help heal in this area. I’m not advocating for the overly promiscuous women or dirty dog men, who are only doing what they’re doing for attention and to cover their trauma. I’m here to help those people heal and create a safe space where we can talk about sex openly, whether it be casual or not and not be judged for it. It is more than possible to have a respectable, healing and genuine sexual connection with someone without it developing into a full blown relationship.
We then discussed the fact that the person for me will just get it and appreciate what I’m doing. Does it knock out a lot of the potentials? Yes it does, but I’m not sacrificing who I am to accommodate to a man. You must be fucking wiling.
When both parties are in alignment, sex is important, it is healing when utilised correctly.
Unfortunately, many men have the paradigm of: if a woman is comfortable and open in her sensuality, she is not 'wife-able’. Yet those same men are the ones choosing women who are not fulfilling their sexual needs; so they cheat or end up in unhappy relationships. ‘But they’ll make great mothers’. Okay, so a woman who knows her way around a bedroom and knows how to satisfy her man, is unable to nurture a child? She seems to be nurturing your baby ass okay! The fact she’s not appeasing your sexual desires is a valid excuse to cheat?
It makes no fucking sense. Make better choices.
This goes to the women too, stop sacrificing sacred parts of yourself to fit into his box, just to say you have something. I've watched women shrink and chop away parts of the love they had for themselves to compensate for the love he is withholding because she isn't complying to the woman he envisioned her to be. Life does not work like that and in the end, unhappiness will reside. You can leave, there is always a choice.
I choose me, every damn time.
Reputation is important in any relationship, your partner is a reflection of you. It’s understandable that some men may just not like that ‘type’ of woman. Then there are the men who claim to not like them and bash them. Yet they are no different than the celebrities they’re fantasising about and having a bash over - ‘that’s wifey’… The only difference is fame and money. Or is it the fact that it’s ‘okay' because you are aware of the thousands of men who approve of this fantasy too?
Bbaaahhhhh 🐑
Let me make two things extremely fucking clear: a woman being open with her sensuality, does not mean her legs are easily opened. And if a person does not/can not see your worth, doesn't mean it's not there.
Now I must say, I have seen a shift in this paradigm over the last couple of years. I feel men are dropping this mindset slowly, which is great. But I am also seeing an uplift of women operating heavily in their masculine due to being hurt, and men operating from a place of femininity, also due to being hurt. Consequently, this is creating an imbalance in relationships. Hence the rise of situationships. No-one wants to have adult discussions and take accountability for their actions and work towards being a better partner, they'd rather go onto the next one.
*Shit smears everywhere
My parents just celebrated their pearl anniversary (30 years of marriage) and they have done so by communicating, taking accountability, reassuring one another and accepting the fact that they have both changed over time but still CHOOSE one another. Staying in a happy relationship takes effort, patience and openness. No-one ever said that shit was easy.
I’m running out of time so to conclude: people need to fucking heal, people need to be open and honest, and people need to learn how to communicate better.
And please don’t forget, you can be an open, sensual bitch and be HIGH VALUE. The guys who get it, get it (and they get it fucking good, ask them 😛) and those who don’t, are missing out on all of the juicy goodness because they choose to do so. Doesn't mean you're not worthy, you're just not for them and why would you want them anyways?!
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xox