Over the years I’ve always been praised for my ‘strength’ but what does that actually mean? What do people envision strong as being? It’s different for everyone I suppose. In some aspects, I would class myself as strong. I’m determined, I take things on the chin and I will always stick up for myself and what I believe in. But when it comes to men I’ve always seemed to be weak… and stupid to be honest. My relationship with the male species and my outlook of relationships in general has transitioned drastically over the last few years. And thank goddess it has!
Previously, I was lost in the trance of finding love. That fairytale shit we’re led to believe through our favourite stories, films and love songs. I have over extended myself to the wrong men out of sheer desperation. Attempting to mould into the woman I thought they would need in order to fulfil silly fantasies in my head. A few months in, when I’ve secured their attention and my ego has been fed. The desperation fog would clear and I’d realise I’ve settled for less than I deserve; so I’d bounce. Unfortunately, a few more months would pass and then the pattern would repeat itself.
Before, I couldn’t walk into a bar without scanning the crowd to see who was a ‘potential’ first. Fucking sad right? I used to get so frustrated with myself, like why can’t you just go out, have a good time and not think about a man ffs? When reflecting on the reasons ‘why’. I came to the conclusion that its in my lower moments where I lack self-acceptance, self-love and passion; I feel the need for a man to validate me. This periodical pattern of the Universe, testing me to see if I have truly learnt the lesson. The Universe is a joker.
The thing is my higher-self knew the reason for the patterns and the bullshit that came with them but my habitual lower-self would seek the comfort in what I knew. Sex and temporary companionship. When I have projects I’m pursuing, goals I’m working towards and content I’m creating. I am at my most happiest. Funnily enough, I think that’s what frustrates me even more. I KNOW I’m happiest when I’m single and all of my attention is going on bettering myself and my future. So why did I have this cycle of stressing about a no good geezer I was only meant to be fucking? Or stressing about the complete lack of man in my life?
Loneliness can be your friend or your enemy; it’s your choice.
Hello darkness my old friend. As soon as I stop feeding my passions, the fire breathing dragon in my belly becomes depressed. She doesn’t want to do anything. She becomes tired of life. Uninspired and unsatisfied. The fire begins to simmer out and the cold, darkness of the night creeps in. Along with it comes, doubt, unworthiness and a cock that provides no benefit to my life whatsoever. But having something to cuddle in the bitter darkness feels good; until you realise they’re sucking the last bit of light and warmth out of you. It’s all an illusion, convincing yourself that the temporary reliance of someone else is what you need in order to survive and thrive. It’s all bullshit. Do you know what you truly need? The warmth, the light. The FIRE. Bitch, you just forgot how to create your own!
A lot of my close friends are in long term relationships and I just love to see love. I’m a woman with everything, a nice home, a family I adore who love me, pets that fill my days with joy. A job that pays the bills and allows me to save for my future. The only thing ‘missing’ in my life is a life partner and that used to really get me down. Paying attention to things we don’t have brings us nothing but sadness. Why focus on the one thing you don’t have when you could focus on all of the things you DO have?
Life isn’t all about finding love in a partner. It’s about finding the love within yourself so everyday feels like a blessing. Everyday is a blessing.
Taking the time to do the things I love such as writing, vlogging and dancing. Ignites the fire in my belly. A spark that no-one can take from me because I’M the one that created it. I am in charge of my happiness and well-being. Placing that responsibility on someone else will leave you emotionally unstable and that’s the last thing we want when trying to live our best life.
The point I’m trying to make is… I’M NOT FUCKING READY. The more I think about the partner I wish to settle with, the more I realise I have a lot of work to do on myself. Breaking old toxic patterns is not a job for the weak. One day you’ll be on the moon and the next you feel like a piece of dog shit on the bottom of someones shoe but that’s the JOY of the journey. You can’t appreciate the highs when you have no lows. I want a healthy love. Transparent, open, honest and consistently growing but in order for me to have that. I must first have it within myself.
The thought of a committed relationship scares the shit out of me now to be honest. I’ve wasted so much time on the wrong men, lost myself in so many bad situations and its all been because I didn’t know my worth. Everyday I work hard to get closer to the woman I envision myself to be and I honestly cannot wait for the day she is fully here. Stepping into my power and focusing solely on myself was the best decision I’ve ever made. I didn’t know life could feel this good!
So the next time half-wit Harry pops up trying to get into your panties, just remember you deserve way more than the minimal effort he is willing to give you. You deserve a life full of spice and sweetness. If you have a man that allows you to express yourself fully and encourages you to reach your life goals, cherish him! In this day and age they are RARE. If you’re single waiting for the right man to come along, stop waiting and live your fucking life!
The most potent love we have is the love we have for ourselves.
Love, light and blessings,
SIS xox