I love having playtime with me.
I know where my clit is, I know my sensitive spots, I listen when I talk and there’s ALWAYS a happy ending. Not that an orgasm is the main goal every time, but it’s nice to have the certainty that I will get there.
I find myself utterly delicious, yummy and scrumptious.
All I have to do is rub my leg a certain way and I'll be turn't on. A slight brush of my nipple, or tuning into the way my hair tickles my neck as I pull it to one side. Sensational. Literally, the small sensations send tingles down my vessel and allow me to get a lil moist. I can get lost in it. Slowly whining my hips, building up the energy in my root chakra, ahhhh its bliss. I love this body and she deserves pleasure, she deserves ecstasy and she deserves a loving touch. All of which is guaranteed when I’m fucking with me.
I love it.
Have you ever fucked yourself in front of a mirror? I highly recommend you do so. It's particularly good for deepening your inner connection. Seeing how you move, how your pussy looks and accepting yourself in that vulnerability; it’s liberating. I know some women will cringe reading that, I know women who cringe at the thought of touching themselves; it makes me sad. Why would you cringe at receiving pleasure? Especially that which is potent with pure intention because it’s coming from YOU. Why should you wait for someone else to bestow that gift upon you? Be that gift to yourself.
I have learnt a lot about my body when I fuck myself during different emotional periods. When I’m happy, I loosen up a lot quicker, I’m more wet in general and the orgasm lasts a lengthy duration. When I’m feeling low, it takes me a lot longer to get wet, I have to use harsher pressure. The orgasm uplifts my mood greatly due to the oxytocin mingling with the sadness. Unfortunately, it usually doesn’t last that long. When I’m horny, my whole system is ready to go; I feel high. The most gentle touch can cause me to climax and its like I have this insatiable hunger. I just want to fuck, fuck and fuck.
Do you know how annoying the latter is when there is no one around that I deem worthy of entering my eden? I could literally punch a fucking wall. I used to think there was something genuinely wrong with me because of how horny I'd get. I can’t focus, my body temp is through the roof, I just want to touch myself constantly, but every time I do, it just doesn’t feel like its fully hit the spot.
Sometimes a bitch needs to be fucked.
Physical touch is important for me. I wanna feel the blood rush to his dick, hardening in my hand as I firmly wank him off. Kissing his tip and tasting his pre-cum. Sucking and slobberingly suffocating on his balls. Getting his heart pumping. Not allowing him to touch me just yet, as much as I know he wants to taste my sweet nectar. Revelling in the fact that I'm sending him a bit fucking crazy; I like to be a tease and in control - sometimes.
I love my self-loving, but it doesn’t provide all of that.
I am craving connection at the moment but not just any old boring shit. Something new, something exciting, something that expands my mind as well as my vaginal canal. I know men think it’s easy being a woman and getting a fuck but it’s really not. Not a satisfying one anyway. Are there offers on the table? Yes.
But I want to feel uncontrollably drawn to you.
I am lusting for undeniable sexual chemistry, not just a ‘you’ll do for now’. I wanna be in his presence and feel that ‘fuck me, our sex would be absolutely filthy’ energy. The eye contact that makes me wanna bite his fucking lip off. At the same time, I want to runaway because sir you’re making me feel all vulnerable and shit. Actually, fuck it, just choke me right here and now.
Seriously though, you know them ones that just ignite the utter depth of dirty bitch in your soul? Nothing is off the table; now bend me over it.
I’m like a little beast that needs to be fed at least every so often. When I don’t get fed, the frustration builds and becomes almost uncontrollable. I can control it, I do control it, but there’s a horny rose inside of me and she needs to be pricked. Sometimes I just want to release, surrender and melt into someone; or over them.
Right now, I’m sitting at my laptop on a Friday night, red wine in hand, giggling like a silly little bitch. The only time I get as sexually frustrated as I have just expressed, is because there is someone I want to fuck.
You know when you have an encounter and they instantly spark the pulse in your pussy? Without realising in the moment, you notice you were being a 'pick me' because they excite you so much. It's unnecessary and a little icky. There's a certain line between being down and being desperate, although I may be sounding like the latter at this moment in time, I can happily (ish) not fuck.
I know this isn't a real problem - I’m just making it one.
So who is frustrating Shannon at this moment in time? I hear you ask. He's been on the hit list for YEARS. We've never met in person but we've had some explicit online exchanges. Quite frankly, I know the sex would be phenomenal. However, there's something about his character that feels inauthentic. My intuition tells me this person is not who he says he is, well at least not completely. On the other hand, he has a rough and rugged aura which I find consuming; he's fucking sexy.
Gosh, it's like my cryptonite. The wounded fem in me can smell these mother fuckers from a mile off but I'll still go charging into that exact direction because, YUM?!
Anyway, an event happened that meant I got to see this dude in person. It was heated. The sexual chemistry was unmissable. My reservations were over powered by my sexual desire and we half fulfilled one of our fantasies. A pussy was ate and a dick was sucked. For me, there's a large difference between foreplay and actually allowing a man inside of me. My girls find it strange but its just how my brain works. I'd love to go into further detail about the event, but I don't want to bait things out. Just know it happened in an inappropriate place and was PornHub worthy. Damn, I should have recorded that shit.
So why now if you've spoken for years? Previously, I've been the one to stop our situation from getting to the actual meeting and fucking part, and for good reason that will not be relayed here. I can't be telling you guys all of my secrets, I'm a scorpio, duh! The lustfulness is highly arousing but as I said, theres this little niggling in the back of my being that's always told me no. It wouldn't bother me if he never entered me. *slight tear drop falls from face. I'm just lusting for him at the moment which is annoying but also a sign.
There is still healing to do.
If my intuition is telling me no then why does he still appeal to me? Well, for obvious reasons, the sexual chemistry is exciting and I want to devour him completely. I feel like I could help him, this fucking saviour complex, again, really 🙄? I also want to be seen, I want to be appreciated - at the same time I don't want these thing out of fear. Are you confused yet? Welcome to my mind. My lil damaged wiring from my past has had me looking in all of the wrong places, with all of the wrong people and then I wonder why I get upset.
Self inflicted huntayyy.
When I'm not practicing being honest with myself and MY needs, I mirror what I believe the person I'm interested in wants. Completing disregarding my own desires (outside of the sexual ones). I'm going to part-blame my projector nature on that. I end up convincing myself that all I want is sex, because that will mean I get the physical connection but I'm still protecting my heart - its a half job and no pressure is applied on either side.
Totally fucking backwards isn't it?
How am I protecting my heart by denying what it needs? Gen-u-ine connection. The fight between desire and discipline will honestly put me in a loony bin one day. I'm a free spirit, I want to do what feels good. But what feels good physically, doesn't necessarily mean good on a spiritual and emotional level.
I'm learning and as we all know, the journey isn't necessarily linear.
In the process, I'm becoming a patient woman. As I've expressed in former blogs, I can't be giving that energy to just anyone anymore. You're probably sick of hearing me say this, but to speak it and to live it are two very different things. As much as I am sexually frustrated right now, the best thing for me to do is keep my hands to myself. The mentioned encounter was spontaneous and I'll definitely be reminiscing for future masturbation sessions. But for now, I'll wait for the right situation and person to consume me in filthy and healthily balanced ways; unless I decide to be celibate again.
Until then...
I'll just go fuck myself.
Speak soon Lovers,
SIS xx