The older I grow, the better my sex becomes; for that I am grateful.
For years I was unknowingly having less than average sex. You only know what you know, until you are exposed to more. Until you decide to open up and embrace more for yourself. Sex can be transcendental, it should be transcendental; anything less than that is merely masturbation with another’s body.
We all require different things from our sexual experiences, for a long time I thought intercourse was the only way I could be fulfilled in an intimate manner. I have been phasing this out of my life for a while now and the chapter is almost closed. I have been digging deep into my internal world. Developing an inner-standing of oneself is not a linear journey. Sifting through one’s path to reveal the intricate details, and pain that have lead to the narratives we tell ourselves on a daily basis, is scary, but brave nonetheless. Choosing to hold your inner child with the compassion, empathy and love that was lost along the journey is transformative and essential when wishing to elevate.
It’s not always the traumatic events we remember vividly, that lead us astray.
It could be the arguments our parents had when we were too young to understand. The hostile environment that made us retreat into our fantasy world, to feel normalcy, to feel safe. The only way our younger selves knew how to protect ourself was to hide, whether that be physically or mentally. We forget about that. We don’t wish to tarnish those we love in a bad light, but refusing to acknowledge that we once had lacks and needs that were not met, isn’t helpful. It doesn’t mean our parents loved us less. It doesn’t mean the environments we grew up in were bad. I had a brilliant upbringing. It wasn’t perfect by any means. It wasn’t bad by any means. Life is complex, we simply cannot combine it all under one umbrella.
We’re human, mistakes are always going to be made, from every and all sides.
There comes a time as an adult that we need to see things for what they were and for what they are. There’s no blame to place. My parents done the best they could with what they knew, and I know for a fact; I am luckier than many. If you have read this far and think that what I’m trying to articulate is bad mouthing my upbringing, you are sadly mistaken - you have missed the point completely.
I finished journaling the other day, I always recommend this activity. Getting things down on paper really does make you see things clearly. It allows us to take accountability, to stop playing victim and reclaim our power. I had been searching for something for so long, something that I knew I always had inside of me. I got so lost in the search and desire for someone else to see and value my magic, that I stopped appreciating the magic myself. I’ve always known it was there, but I stopped taking the time to appreciate it… Deeply appreciate it. Celebrate it. I revisited my inner child, embraced her in my arms, thanked her for never forgetting that power, and apologised for not showing more love.
It was nourishing shit.
Upon reflection I realised that I really do have everything I’ll ever need. Life has a way of giving us shit. Shit we don’t realise we are accumulating. We let it intrude on our innocence. The innocence that keeps up close to God, the higher parts of ourselves that we neglect through fear, rejection and conditioning. I have been working my ass off to recondition myself. The pain and hurt I’ve encountered over the years has changed me. It changes all of us - it’s the reason we’re here. Why we embark on this journey called life, to return back to our innocent, pure glory. The reason we dance to no music, sing for no reason and laugh until we cry.
Life is fuxking beautiful but us humans have a habit of making it ugly.
I am choosing to remain celibate this year, I haven’t had sex since early December and it was great sex. It just wasn’t enough. Sex is a sacred energy exchange. A lot of the time we are sharing sticky and chaotic energy. We do not do this on purpose. Our inner child had needs that weren’t met, so we develop coping mechanisms, that then becomes the new norm. We completely forget about the root cause. Neglecting to introspect and heal leaves you with blind baggage. Not having that self-awareness will leave you in cycles that take you further away from your true self; damaging others on the way. I'm not just talking about sex when I refer to this, it seeps out into all kinds of relationships.
We cope with the void by abusing drugs, alcohol, food, sex and so on.
I’m sensitive to energy, and the more I heal, the more I realise just how sensitive I am. This is something that I perceived as ‘weak’ when I was younger. So I built the necessary walls to survive the only way I knew how. I have a lot of sexual energy, for a long time I didn’t know what that meant. I was just horny all of the time, and the men I chose to share myself with always seemed to be ‘lost boys’. I was a lost girl too. After cultivating more knowledge of myself, I know I’ve provided variations of healing to those I’ve chosen to lay with. If I choose to open myself up to you like that, I have nothing but pure intentions, even when I was lost. I’ve misplaced healing energy into men who need it, but are unable to revive me in the process. Knowing I have helped them, influenced my ideology of being of value, even though I wasn’t truly being valued. I was just a sexy safe space for them to come and dump their shit into. I would continuously let them do so, because I didn't honour my value and put boundaries in place.
Thats what humans do, we use each other, it’s the intention that makes it morally correct or not.
My focus being on them and not prioritising myself was a way for me to avoid the pain that was residing deep inside of me. The exchanges had not been equal ones. Refusing to acknowledge what I truly needed was a disservice to me. How can someone give me what I need when I don’t even know myself? A lot of unawakened men are cowardly and see it as weakness, they’ll take advantage of this vulnerability for their own benefit. Aligned men see it as a cry for help and may aid you in your healing process. Other men see, but just don't want to get involved. I had developed the skill of observing and identifying others needs because I was scared to reflect on my own. I’ve been harbouring a lot of pain over the years, my own and others.
Celibacy helps me clear that.
Interesting how I have a sex blog and I rarely have sex anymore. You all love the naughty stories and I love being a naughty bitch. I also love being a powerful and centred bitch. My coping mechanisms for a long time were steering me further from that. Sexual energy isn’t just the act of physical intercourse, it goes way beyond. Sexual energy is life-force energy, problem solving energy, energy that allows us to connect and create in all ways; not just romantically. We aren’t taught this in school, it’s not the norm. It doesn’t allow those in power to continue to draw your power into all of the areas that benefit them and not you. Taking away your essence allows you to be lead.
Like lambs to the slaughter.
We have an obsession of sex in this day and age, and it's not the pure kind. It’s the animalistic side that draws energy out of one another but doesn’t replace it. This can lead to dis-ease in the body, which looks like a poor immune system, gut problems, mental health issues and so on. I am all for sexual liberation but there is a fine line between that and self-destruction. Lust is fun and exciting, but a lot of the time it is not fulfilling. It can lead to fulfilment, but only if practiced correctly with the right kind of people. When we sexualise our feelings, we are actually using this as a coping mechanism to dissociate and retreat into a fantasy world; we do this to self-soothe.
Sexualisation is a coping skill many of us have developed through childhood trauma.
When I look around, many of the romantic relationships are built on feeding ego’s and unhealthy forms of co-dependency. Love is a choice, a commitment we make to another to honour, build and grow with them. Love is not infatuation or possession. True love is freeing. Misaligned sex can create attachments that are no good for you. Those intense hormones being released can have you in a five year deep relationship that doesn’t acknowledge or honour your power. Love becomes convenience. Wanting to feel connected is a basic human need, it’s normal, but all too often we end up in situations that actually ignore our deeper desires for short-term fulfilment, ultimately leaving both parties unsatisfied.
Our brains are powerful things, we can feed ourselves lies, over and over again until we genuinely believe them. The biggest revelation I have had is removing the belief that separate parts of me aren’t connected. Your mind and body are one. Desire (mental) and arousal (physical) are two separate things that overlap each other when the time is right. It’s all interconnected. For a long while I was craving mental and emotional closeness. Due to my conditioning I felt this as being sexually aroused. My desire was to feel connected and my past experiences associated this with sex, therefore my pussy would get wet and I’d engage in sexual activity to satiate that desire. Little did I know that the real desire had nothing to do with sex. I’d walk away from those sexual experiences feeling pleasured for a while but not fulfilled.
Its like wanting to eat some chocolate cake because you know it tastes good but your tummy isn’t feeling it. Sometimes we force feed ourselves and feel like shit, other times we ignore, the desire dies down, our tummy hasn’t taken a beating and we feel better for it.
Self-awareness forms the foundations of great sex, you need to know WHY you want to fuck. Do you even want to fuck at all? Obviously my story and my conditioning is going to be different to yours. It may be very similar. I am simply expressing the lessons I have learnt by diving deep into my past and my being. If this provides you with insight and value into your own life and your own ways then I have done a pretty decent job. I write these blogs to expand your mind, to give you an honest outlook on my life. Some of the best lessons I have learnt have been through studying other people. A lot of time they are practicing things that I do not want. So I make a mental note and see what I can do to prevent that.
This is what works for me, hopefully my stories prevent you making the same mistakes.
So celibacy, my old friend, I welcome you with open arms and an open heart. Our previous encounters have taught me so much about myself, my true desires, and what I need from a physical and mental perspective. Surface level isn’t enough for me. Half assed encounters aren’t enough for me. Confused men scare the shit out of me. Being too empathetic can lead me astray. My search for magic is not external, its internal and the more I grow, the more I feel it boiling over - in all of the best ways. I would be lying if I said true connection isn’t a desire and goal of mine. I just know my kind of connection is not easily found.
I’m no longer looking. I feel I always say this, but secretly I am doing that shit in the background. Romantic love is not a priority, my acceptance and love for myself through all of my previous and current stages is. I’m still a little hesitant that a man would be able to hold space for me the way I need him to. I am also hopeful that when the time is right, he will appear and those hesitations will drift away. He will add more magic to my life. So much so, that my current brain can’t even begin to imagine what its like; I’ve never had it before. It is exciting.
Until then, I will continue to hold my younger self with the recognition and love she deserves. I will continue to pour more love into myself and my platonic connections. Celibacy has helped me deepen these relationships massively in the past. Every time I get to this point in my life I realise I can go deeper; it’s brutally thrilling.
Romantic love is a luxury, not a necessity to living a happy life. If more people understood that, maybe there would be less broken homes and less broken people.
Speak soon, Lovers
SIS xox
Did I really just bring back a sexy picture of me in a post about celibacy? Yes, yes I fucking did...
📸 @ninety.ii ❤️