I find it utterly fascinating how the same scenario can have multiple effects on us. It all depends on how we wish to view our situation. If there’s one thing life has shown me in my 26 years of living, it’s that suffering is inevitable. It’s how we manage the suffering that determines the quality of our lives.
I’ve also learnt that we actually LOVE to suffer as human beings.
Now, I’m not referring to the heart wrenching, soul cutting type of suffering, such as loosing a loved one. We’re going much lower on the pain scale here. For example: fucking up your muscles and pushing yourself to exhaustion when working out. It’s not entirely enjoyable all of the time. Your body takes a beating but some of us feed off that shit… plus we wanna look good. Going to therapy to dig up your traumatic past, re-live it and then put it behind you again. Painful but worth it because you get to heal. I have friends who can’t eat cheese, and yet they still eat it because it tastes so damn good. They’ll deal with their irritated bellies after they indulge in the pleasure of cheddar. Can all of these things be avoided?
Yes of course but where the fuxk is the fun in that?
We are the cause of our own suffering a lot of the time. The truth we tell ourselves shape shifts, depending on a vast list of variables within the exact moment we form a thought or make a decision. Our feelings/mood being a major player in this process. Whether we’re trying to seem like we have control of a situation, trying to be optimistic, or straining to bury the pain that’s been conceived. The mind is a powerful thing, as are our hearts. We’ve all felt the pull of the two being non-conducive, and the abundance of them being aligned.
It’s one of the age old questions… do I listen to my heart or my head?
If you’re a little impulsive like me, you’ll guess what to choose. I usually instinctively know what I want, but on occasion, I have found it to be one of the most useful tools in being able to define my next move; if unsure. Blindly picking one or the other and just rolling with it. There’s lessons to be learnt in all of our choices, and I am firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we just need to trust that a higher power has our back.
You might ask why I’m discussing this topic today and the simple answer would be: I feel like a walking juxtaposition at the moment. Nothing is clear and I feel I am constantly juggling my thoughts and feelings. Usually things are clear for me, even if my desired answers take a while to come, they still come. They haven’t lately. One of the rotating questions in my mind and body at the moment is ‘to fuck or not to fuck?' I love to fuck, but it gets me in trouble sometimes. I’ve been pondering on this a lot lately, along with my long known realisation of finding the fuck boys a lot more comforting than the self-proclaimed nice guys.
Fuxk boys are my comfort zone, but I am also not fully fulfilled when I’m with them - on an emotional level. Sexually they have it on lock. The nice guys lack the fire that I crave. So many things in my life are predictable, predictable is safe. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing because safety in relationships is essential. I just want to feel EXCITED. I am fully aware that I need to invest in my healing a little more, but the darker side of me just needs the danger right now, the unpredictable.
I am yet to find a man that makes me feel excitedly safe.
It’s funny because I go on this little journey with myself constantly. Play with the good boys, get bored. Play with the bad boys, get burnt. I’ve had to ask myself whether this is their doing or mine? It’s TOTALLY mine. Fuxk boys are the kind of suffering I enjoy. I know I’ll eventually grow out of this, but for now… its fun. This year has really shone a light on my trust issues and deep rooted desire of NOT wanting to open up - hence attracting fuck boys. I’ve told you guys many times before, I have a desire for true, deep intimacy and I do… but I also have a desire of not wanting to be vulnerable. A part of me does and a part of me doesn’t.
I want the bond without the commitment.
It’s not like I’m completely writing off committed relationships, I do feel like I would be open to one if I felt deeply aligned. The fact of the matter is, I’m not sure any of my previous relationships have felt steadily aligned. They’ve been impulsive moments of lust that have laid a seed for the blossom of toxicity and entrapment. I’m not that bitch. Feeling trapped in love is a genuine fear of mine. I’ve loved deeply in the past and whilst I don’t regret it, it cut me in a way that made me want to hide the vulnerable parts of me.
We all know true intimacy can't be received without vulnerability. I make the decisions I do, because I feel I am lacking in other areas of my life. Whether this be work not fulfilling my needs. Not being able to travel whenever I want to. Not having the type of connections I need be well and truly seen. So to compensate for this lack, I fill myself with escapism. Like many of us do, whether we are aware of it or not. This could be binging out to TV, eating an abundance of processed sugar. Spending money that needs to be saved. Or riding a dick that is not an energetic match to my captivating coochie.
All because I am impatient.
I’m grateful I’m no longer depending on weed but a part of me does miss it. The soothing effects it has on my head and heart when shit is feeling too heavy. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately and alcohol is definitely a depressant for me, so I’m cutting that back. Can’t be mad at the world when this is the world I’m choosing. My discipline and will power are tumbling at the moment. Theres periods of high output and pay off, and periods of low wallowing. Sometimes these are simultaneously happening at the same time, making me feel even more confused.
Theres a lot I want to achieve.
My energy levels are taking a beating at the moment. I’m being active and physical as usual via walks, the gym and hoop classes. Grateful I’m still managing to get about but my head is exhausting me. The same thoughts flying around, telling me I’m unsatisfied, and I am. I have been for a while, but I bury it because how am I supposed to find the energy to change all of this when no clear answer is coming to me? Even when I try new things, everything just feels stagnant. Like its not hitting the right spot. I’m more present than I have been for a while, but I can feel the uneasiness screaming at me. I feel I could lay in bed all day. My bones ache. Craving solitude yet wanting to connect. The only time I feel remotely at peace, is when I’m travelling, and even that isn’t having the same effect it used to.
The 20’s are a bitch.
I have friends getting married, friends getting on the property ladder, and I’m just sitting here like I don’t want any of that. Not yet anyway. Initially the thought of ‘I’m falling behind’ arises but in the same breath, I have this energy telling me I’m meant for something different. My impatience is spoiling my fun at the moment. Presently impatient… does that even make any fucking sense? I just want to be chilling in the sun. It’s that simple. I don’t want any responsibilities, I just want to be moving in flow with my internal rhythm and I can’t do that because of the usual shit in my life. Which are all a byproduct of the decisions I have made.
Poor fuxking me.
The desire to just escape inside the lust driven essence of a man, is over powering at the moment. This is my conditioning, this is what I’ve always done when I can’t be bothered to delve deeper inside of myself. The difference now, is that I am delving; but I still want dick in my mouth. It’s been a while since I’ve had sex, and physical touch is my love language. I don’t need you to love me and I don’t need to love you. But I need mutual respect, and understanding present for me to feel satisfied. I need honesty to be able to fully let go. If you’re fucking other honeys, let me know. If you just want me for the night, don’t love bomb me. Do you know how many men are oblivious to those things? Selfish. Do you know how many men I’ve ‘scared away’ because of my ability to open up a space of intimacy without commitment? They get con-fuddled. Like they think I’m going to fall in love with them… Boo, I’m a lover by nature.
I just need to know what it is baby.
Are you looking to escape? Are you looking for connection? Are you wanting to feel seen and appreciated? Do you just need some good head and pussy pon ya face? It’s cool, I can cater to you. BUT I need to fucking know your WHY! They’re always thinking it’s a trick question. If you know me inna di real life, you’ll know I’m a pretty straight forward woman. Not as blunt and hard hitting as I used to be, but don’t take the fuxking piss. I don’t like games, just fuxk me. If you wanna play me big boy, fuxk you. Just tell me with full transparency what you need. I’ll then tell you what I need, and if it aligns, we can get to business. Life is all about exchanges and I never want to be caught short handed, it’s the quickest way for me to loose respect for you. This is why I like fuxk boys, the good ones anyway. Theres no hidden agenda.
I can’t fuck with a coward.
My fingers couldn’t count the amount of ‘men’ who don’t have the balls to call things off with me in a normal way. Theres always some mad manipulation involved, like causing an argument out of no where. Disrespecting me unnecessarily so then I'm the one to call shit off. PUSILLANIMOUS. I don’t want the pressure and effort of a ‘relationship’. I find them exhausting. I often find fuxking exhausting. I want to be selfish and only have to think about myself. I wanna be at home doing my thing during the day, no one to answer to. Then at night, having someone close would be nice. No expectations, just two horny, sexy people sharing juices. Respectfully disrespecting each other, ahhhh. Harder to come by than it sounds. I have standards with this shit. So where does that leave me right now?
A lil depressed, dry and untouched.
Until next time, lovers
SS xoxo