If you are true Shannon supporter (I fucking love you for supporting me) you will know that I’ve previously touched the subject of how I projected my insecurities onto others in my younger years. I think at some point we all have…
In my early teens everything was rooted from pride but not in the honourable sense. I was functioning from my ego in a toxic manner and asserting my position when I felt someone threatened my ego. I was ruthless. Rude, unforgiving and to be honest a right piece of shit at times. It was eat or be eaten from my perspective. Now don’t get me wrong, I had good qualities and expressively made them known to my loved ones. But for the people who were new, different or didn’t make the ‘cut’; I was a cunt.
I used to feel ashamed when looking back on my behaviour, I’m not proud of it. The shame has now been healed and within the process I realised my insecurities resurfaced any time someone challenged me. I had this incessant need to always be right. If someone else was correct, I would make them feel like shit about something else so I could feel superior; absolute bitch, I know!
I soon discovered that, I couldn’t progress and live a happy life when I’m always shitting on other people and trying to be right. How can I learn that way? & whether I think I’m right or not, who the fuck am I to think I’m superior?
IT'S WILD THINKING OF HOW I USED TO BE
I’m grateful for those years. If I didn’t move like that, I wouldn’t be able to identify when someone is moving with poisonous intentions now. And a lot of the time, these assholes don’t even realise they’re doing it. The lack of self-awareness is worrying. I don’t know about you, but I see through peoples shit and I feel it before anything else. The way a so-called ‘friend’ puts their bestie down in front of others. The way a partner snaps at their other half because they’ve threatened their masculinity. I can feel it, it's literally like an internal twinge and it’s this feeling that leads me to the thought of why? What has this person endured for them to be treating someone else like they’re less than?
I love me a puzzle
People watching is my thing, I just love analysing people and coming up with theories to understand them and their behaviours. I find humans fascinating, especially the assholes. Not the actual rectum of a human but the people who act like one. They seem to have interesting background stories, usually filled with pain and anger. I’ve also found that the people who are the most kind, have similar stories to the not-so-nice people. The difference is the nice have acknowledged the pain and have made an effort to heal their trauma. Unlike the assholes, they don’t wish for anyone to feel the same way they’ve felt. They move with empathy and compassion to avoid arousing the unpleasant feelings they’ve encountered in others. And for that, I think they’re the most brave.
I know we all grow and learn at different rates but why am I seeing grown ass people putting others down to make themselves feel better? To slander others in public and on social media? I am continuously exposed to people showing symptoms of SDE (small dick energy). Someone who takes the piss out of another human for expressing their true selves is a complete an utter asshole in my eyes. An asshole for not seeing the beauty, an asshole for mocking things they don’t understand and an asshole for their lack of awareness. It truly is not a reflection of those they speak of but of themselves. Our words hold meaning.
Whilst on this journey I’ve realised how many people have remained stagnant. Still operating from their ego, still creating false narratives to manipulate themselves and others; still shitty human beings overall. However, I believe everyone can change, I know I did!
We’re now a decade on from my early teenage years. I’m proud of the woman I am and I adore the woman I am becoming. The more I embrace myself, the more it enables me to embrace others in all of their quirky, weird, beauty. It’s something that I love about my being now. I’m able to see the beauty in someone rather than scanning them to find their flaws. Do you know how draining it is moving from a place of bitterness? That shit will leave your soul exhausted!
When I was suffering from FAS (fucking asshole syndrome) the energy it consumed left me tired and heavy. Moving with appreciation and an open mind has left me feeling light and full of love. If you know you are someone who does mean things for no fucking reason then please take the time to go and heal. We have enough cunts running around. And if you know someone is an asshole and you don’t put them in their place and tell them about themselves; you are an associate. Yes that’s right, an associate asshole because although you aren’t doing it directly yourself, you are allowing that shit to happen.
We’ve all heard the saying, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it’. So fucking simple. its been drilled into our heads since we were kids and these grown children STILL don’t know how to treat people! If you are a bitter asshole who feels the need to shit on others to make yourself feel better, just know that I’ve asked Lilith to ensure your dick stays small and smelly no matter how much you wish or wash.
Karma is my boo!
Lots of love,
SIS xox