I am so fucking sick and tired of men not appreciating me in the moment, then attempting to crawl back into my life when the penny drops and they realise… I am phenomenal.
FUCK OFF
I’ve been triggered over the past few weeks, gang. You know when you feel like your boundaries have been crossed one too many times? That pit of anger in your stomach begins to bubble, increasing your body temperature to what feels like a volcanic heat. As you’re ranting to your homies, you realise your throat is soar as fuck, and the frustration arising is a lot more savage than you originally thought.
Primal rage.
Majority of men I’ve dealt with for a longer period of time, and by that I mean more than a one night stand. Has always had trouble letting me go. Could be my head game, could be my pussy, could be my devilish good looks and fire personality. I personally think it’s all, I’m a pretty great human and I’ve worked hard to get here.
I’m not mad about them trying to come back once, I think that’s fair. You know you fucked up by not giving me what I deserve and now you wanna correct it - or you just wanna taste me again. 99% of the time I’m not giving second chances, but maybe you might just be the 1%? I just don’t see the point in trying to make something work for a second time. Unless it was really hard for me to let go because of how great of a person he is or was. That’s hardly ever the case, I usually wake up from my delusion and realise I’ve settled because I’m bored and lonely. The sad reality, but the truth.
Why don’t men listen?
I don’t like being rude when it comes to rejecting people. I’ve been on the receiving end of rejection, but in the weirdest fucking way because a lot of men are pussyholes and can’t be direct. I’ve learnt that if the answer is confusing, it’s a no. If there’s no excitement, it’s a no. If there’s little to no effort, it’s a nada. And if point blank ignored, it’s a fuck you. Just kidding, that was a lil aggressive, but yeah it’s a na peoples. I have empathy and compassion, maybe too much sometimes, so when I reject someone I try to be as gentle, but as clear as possible. Unfortunately, men don’t seem to get that. They see that as they still have a chance, and whilst I admire the ambition and confidence, please don’t make me reject you in a savage manner because that’s not nice for me or you.
Get the fucking hint.
I do get it though, we lust over someone, fantasise about them and all the great things that could possibly come out of the union. But this is where we fuck up. Putting expectations on a situation you actually have no clue about. Making up excuses for them when they don’t meet our standard. So we move the bar for fulfilment lower, and lower, and lower. To the point where you’re like wow, I’ve really just shattered my standards or settled for scraps just to say I ‘have’ this person. More time they aren’t even what we want or need.
Why do we ignore the signs so much?
Desire is a beautiful thing, and I’m not just talking about the sexual kind. Desire is the motivating emotion that enables us to focus on a goal, set our heart to it and finally achieve it. But when it comes to humans, we cannot simply desire our way into someones life the way we envision ourselves in it. It’s not just your decision, its theirs too. Yes we can manifest our desires, but the Universe will not provide you with the fruition if it’s not aligned with your highest self or highest good. You may eventually secure that person and then realise ohhh, you’re not what I wanted. The Universe will provide your desire, just to show you that you need to let it the fuck go. That desire can turn into obsession real easily if we are not careful! Why do you want someone who doesn’t clearly make it known that they want you anyways?
We love to put people on a pedestal.
I am the first to admit that I am THE SHIT and I AIN’T SHIT. Those who get it, get it. We should definitely think highly of our partners, but when it comes to placing their value above your own, you’ve already fucked up. We are all equal. To put someone on a pedestal means you think they hold more value than you - they don’t. I used to subconsciously go for men who I thought were ‘below’ me because I assumed that would secure my position in their life as they knew they were ‘punching’. Do you know what those relationships got me?
Cheated on.
They were never below me in the first place, they just weren’t aligned with what I truly wanted/needed to grow and expand in union. Aim high darlings, partners are not something to rush or settle for. I feel like there should be a comfortable amount of anxiety/excitement about how amazing your partner is. There may be times where you feel like you may not be deserving of this person, but more time they’re with you for a reason and if they didn’t want to be there, they wouldn’t.
Unless they’re bummy and need a place to live.
Placing someone on a pedestal means high expectations, and the higher they are, the harder they fall. If I have learnt anything in my 26 years of living, is that having no expectations is the best possible mindset you can have in almost any situation. Have standards, not expectations. No expectations plus positive intentions will take you very far in this world. That way, the good outcomes are such a lovely surprise.
Saves you a fuck load of disappointment too.
One of my long standing internal issues has been setting boundaries. If I knew someone thought highly of me, I wouldn’t say or do certain things that I thought would obscure their vision of me. I have become far more effective at trusting myself and the Universe. Setting boundaries has helped me not give a fuck about peoples vision of me. If you wanna be here stay, if not, the doors over deya. I’m like this because I’ve been pushed to the point of feeling dishonoured. Dishonoured by myself, because I’ve sacrificed my needs to fulfil someone else. Dishonoured by others because they’re ignoring the reality of me and indulging in their fantasy of me. If I am telling you something repeatedly and you are continuously dismissing what I am saying to you, how the fuck do you expect me to respect you? That is not showing me your ‘Alpha’ capabilities.
It’s arrogance and fucking annoying.
I’ve had guys think just because they read my blog, they know who I am. They think because they’ve chilled with me a few times they have me all figured out. You might have some accurate observations but unless you’ve been trained in profiling please back the fuck up. I am a woman of depth. I trust the divinity within me and roll with it. I can be unpredictable, spontaneous and fucking hungry. My ambition can be intimidating. My intuition drops me absolute magic and my internal desire for improvement means I change my mind, a lot. I don’t need you to ‘catch up’ to me or try and be this person that you think I need.
I am simply not that bitch.
The best way to impress me is by being your fucking self. This goes for friendships as well as romantic relationships. Being honest about where you are in your life, and I don’t mean externally or materialistically. I mean where is your head at? Is your heart healed? Would you be able to handle the love I have to give? Hold space for me in my depths? Loving me is not for the weak. I will push you, I will pull you. I will make you face parts of yourself you’ve kept buried for a long time. Do you know why I do all of that? Because it’s the shit I do to myself on a daily basis.
I’m going to do and be better and I desire the same from my partner.
Don't confuse my boundaries with bitterness. There’s no man I’ve let go of that I’d want back. Respectfully. I’ve only ever gone back to the same guy once (relationship wise, I’ll 100% recycle a good fuck) and it was a prime example of why I shouldn’t neglect my rule. It was the exact same shit, just new surroundings. I know this works for some people but na, not me. Theres a big old world out there and I’m not settling for mediocre or maybe’s. I am a magical bitch and I deserve a sorcerer.
I cannot force myself into liking someone, there has to be a special something there for me to sink my teeth into. It is literally like this internal pull. It makes me wanna cook for man, I wanna clean, I wanna rub his back after a long day. I just wanna make sure my baby is good. Theres no doubt there, I’m fucking with you and I’m fucking with you heavy. I can’t get enough of you, not gunna say I’d go as far as being a bunny boiler but fuck me, you have no doubt that you're my chosen one. If I don’t feel that pull, we are both wasting our time; I can get bored real quick. I’ve had men that are everything I want on paper but when it comes to inna di real life; ryvita.
I’ve prayed for men that secretly hate me.
Now, you guys know I’m not shy about sharing some of my deeper thoughts and feelings. Especially when it comes to me feeling lonely on occasion. Here’s the thing... I would much rather be single and a little lonely on some days and know peace, than be with someone who makes me feel lonely and is secretly wishing on my downfall. I’ve bent over backwards for men. Put their needs before my own, just to find out that they can’t ride for me the way I need them to. My fault for not taking my time and creating illusions to fulfil the lack in my life. I intimidate weak men and I shake up men who think they are on a certain level. I’m not saying this to boast or brag. It’s just me as a woman knowing who the fuck I am and owning my shit. The great AND the not-so great parts of myself.
Don’t be fooled, I can be 'hard' to love.
I have previously found it challenging to communicate my needs, and then I let shit build up. Before I know it, I snap. My need for affection can be overwhelming, I’m intense. I’m not that great at giving space if my man is upset and needs it. I wanna know what’s wrong and how I can help. Sometimes that may feel invasive - especially if I am pressuring for a resolution on my time and not his. On occasion, I myself, just need to be left the fuck alone and not talk about it.
Such a hypocrite, Shan.
I can be a little bit of a control freak, not in regards to what he’s doing. Do what you want. But when it comes to sharing an actual space, there’s a level of cleanliness that I like. I can’t relax if everywhere is looking like a shithole - I know everyone has a different gauge on what’s clean or not but I want shit clean and tidy. Venturing into the underworld when I am with someone must be difficult for them, because there is literally nothing they can do to cheer my mood. You’re just going to have to deal with me being a moody bitch for a short while, but when I come back, I’m enlightened and it will benefit us both. I can be pretty secretive and when it comes to voicing my deep feelings for someone. The last person to hear a genuine 'I love you' from me, had to deal with the tears that followed after. Being vulnerable with lovers isn't easy for me.
Life isn’t fair but I try my best to be.
Unfortunately, in previous relationships I found myself being manipulative because my needs weren't being met, and I wasn't aware of my trauma. That's not cool for anyone. I sometimes question whether I have cut the relationship off too quick out of fear of true intimacy and lack of patience for my other half. Things can be very conflicting for me. I take a while to process shit and make up my mind on certain things; this can also be a challenge.
I know I don’t fit into 1 box, or 2, or 3. I am expansive and it’s one of the things I love so much about myself. I reflect, a lot. I want to be the best person I can be, and this is hard if I'm spending a lot of my energy trying to maintain a relationship. Loosing myself in love, isn't an option. I definitely have things I need to work on. My first relationship compared to my last showed me how far I've come in regards to feeling secure. I used to be verbally abusive out of immaturity. Luckily, that's no longer the case.
He needs to know if he’s fucking me with, he’s fucking with a wild one. When I refer to ‘wild’, I don’t mean a mess. I’m talking instinctive, boundary breaking and fierce. A force of fucking nature in its unpredictable, purest bludclart form. Any man who has attempted to control or take away my freedom has been left in the smoke. I can’t sacrifice my wildness to appease a man.
I’d rather roam alone in the jungle than be locked up in a cage.
Until Next Time, Lovers
SIS xox