Hey Lovers,
I’ve been quiet. Contemplating my life as I tend to do - a lot. Sometimes at my own detriment, but anytime these phases pass through, I know it’s for good reason. I'm dealing with life changes. A part of me doesn't want to share, another part of me wants to deliver you my insides.
I love all things sex. We know this. However, I have been finding myself a lil stuck in the mud lately... Why? I hear you ask. The simple answer would be that I feel pressured to write solely about sex because of the ‘image’ I have built for myself, and the recognition that I have received by being my open, honest, erotic self. I’m glad SIS is a place for you to come and delve into a saucy space, for your own inspiration, enjoyment and educational purposes.
My current challenge lies in the limitations of strictly speaking about sex. I am multifaceted. Yes sex is something I’m a huge advocate of, but my character is not merely limited to desirability, and being a ‘sex symbol’. A part of me has wanted to hide away from this side of myself lately, because as much as I love sex, it has also been the root cause of a lot of my issues. I’m still learning about myself and navigating where I want this platform and my being to grow to.
It’s not always sex and rock & roll over here.
I’m sensitive, I think my regular readers are fully aware of that. I'm still revealing sides of myself that have been closed off your years. Lately, I've found that when dating someone who is aware of the work I do, often I feel a penetrative energy coming from them. Like they expect me to be this seductress who is open for sexy time 24/7. That is simply not the case. I’ve had sex 5 times this year... we’re over half way through the year. Hardly the nymphomaniac vibes a lot of you think I possess. My sexual pursuits are no longer a loose and non-intentional experience. They need to have substance, and I struggle to meet men who are able to provide me with what I want. I don’t want to feel the pressure, I don’t want to feel the expectation, I just want to be able to build a foundation of genuine friendship before anything sexual happens. This is hard to do when they know SIS.
It can be exhausting.
I value companionship, but I lack healthy masculine relationships in my life right now. Surprisingly, sometimes I don’t want to be fucked. I just want to be embraced with sincerity. Intimacy is so much more than sex, I’ve spoken before about how many of my sexual experiences have lacked true intimacy. I’m growing, I don’t have the energy for empty experiences. Unless I call for them in the moment, but those moments are usually alcohol fuelled bursts of lust - not always, but majority of the time they are. I would be lying to you if I said some of those experiences don't end up with feelings of both pleasure and slight regret. A celibacy period is due, but we all know how that fucked up last time so I don’t wanna jinx myself.
In all transparency, I feel like I just need a cleanse from majority of my shit. Sex, alcohol, being overly social. I’m craving solitude, because I know how much I grow in those moments. But it’s summer and I have plans coming out of my asshole. I’ve made commitments but at the same time, I’m very much willing to let people down on the day if it means honouring what my being truly needs. I feel like a walking juxtaposition at the moment. I can sit here and be like yeah I don’t want sex, whilst my pussy is purring, my dreams are continuously me having my pussy ate, and I just can’t seem to fuck myself enough.
I’ll tend to myself for now.
I’m feeling soft and sensitive. The only calling to create I have right now is poetry. I recently went to my parents house in Spain, and every time I went to go to sleep, I just had downloads. Beautifully formed rhythmitic expressions that were coming to me with ease. It made me realise I have a lot more to give than my detailed recalls of sexual experiences. SIS isn't just that, but I feel lately it has been the expectation. I need to get out of my head about what I know my audience love most and focus on what I love to create. You guys will either adapt to the change, or choose not to give your attention to it. Those who drop off can do so. The change in topic and pace will also draw new people to me. This is something I’ve always known but also feared. My creations depend on what’s going on in my life and sex just isn’t it for me right now.
Well I say that, give it a couple weeks and something saucy might end up rolling through.
So if you’re still invested in me, I give you thanks. If you’re bored of the 'deep' talk, I also give you thanks; I know I’m not for everyone! I think so many of us get lost in the expectations others place on us, to be or seem a certain way. I no longer want to succumb to that narrative. I feel an internal shift that’s been brewing for some time and rather than suppressing it, it’s time I embrace it!
Here’s a lil something I created recently; THE EXCHANGE He’s willing to lick the juice from between my thighs
But hesitant of what to do when tears drop from my eyes
Willing to caress every inch of my vessel
But when it comes to my heart he wants to wrestle
Making me feel like I’m just a body for him to play with
The man he first portrayed is merely a myth
And then I’m the one sitting here feeling like I’m going crazy
But creating this whole illusion to me seems brazy
I’m a calm and collected chick
I like to fuck and worship dick
But what I don’t stand for is dishonesty
The lies he whispered in bed next to me
So I close my heart off once again
Because it’s the only way for me to retain
My sanity
I built a persona solely based on vanity
Now that I’m older shits changing
Deep authenticity needs to be exchanging
Because how can we grow if I don’t know who the fuxk you are?
You don’t know yourself and I find that bizarre
I’m tired of these lames pretending to see me
I’m tired of myself for being fooled so easily
These kinds of experiences are coming to an end
I’m tired of the lovers, I want a friend
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xox