Guys, yes you with the penis. You do realise women need to be mentally stimulated before the body can follow...
My mother and I were watching Good Luck To You, Leo Grande on prime the other day, it’s definitely worth a watch. In short, Emma Thompson is an older lady who has never experienced an orgasm, so she invests in a sex worker. Married for 31 years and during that time she was never sexually satisfied. When I tell you this is a nightmare of mine, I’m really not lying. Not that this could ever be me, because if I’m not sexually compatible with someone - I just won’t persist with the relationship. I know everyone’s sex drive may not be as high as mine, but we do all love pleasure, right?
I’m not saying sex is the be all end all, of all relationships, but when it comes to feeling connected and close to our partners, it is a necessity for many. The issue I see occurring in relationships is that the women aren’t mentally stimulated. As a result, they don’t want to be physical with their man. Most men need the physicality to feel appreciated and seen, this is how majority of men connect. As we know, they are not as ‘emotional’ as women. Women release oxytocin during sexual activity, but we can also release this during physical touch (and labour) - it doesn’t just have to be sex. After men ejaculate, they release oxytocin. It's the love hormone; It makes us feel deeply connected.
If men aren’t receiving physical attention, they are more likely to find it else where.
Now, I am not saying fuck your man whenever he wants because that would be dishonouring yourself to please him. Communication is key here, as is compromise. When I say communicate, I don’t mean nagging, Ladies. He is not your son. The way we express our needs is fundamental to how well the conversation will go. Rather than focusing on where he is lacking, focus on what else he can do to turn you on. More time he wants to fulfil your needs, but the delivery can cause commotion. Men’s ego’s are sensitive, its imperative that you know how to nurture his needs and emotions without emasculating him and making him feel less-than.
Men, if your sexual appetite is not being met, you need to learn to caress your woman’s mind so she WANTS to fuck you. If I know my man is going out of his way to make my life better, easier, or if he is simply showing me appreciation with small gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch - massages, foot rubs etc. It turns me the fuck on. Look at him, showering me with the love I deserve, let me show him I'm grateful. *insert sloppy top here. If you know what your partner needs/wants and you’re communicating but still see no change...maybe you aren’t compatible?
Life events can cause us to loose focus on the magic too.
You get what you put in with aligned relationships and that’s why they work. Your values align, your visions of the future align, you’re both growing towards the same direction because you’ve analysed your partner appropriately, and had the uncomfortable conversations. I see many people committing to partners who they aren’t compatible with. WHY are you doing that? Getting with someone and hoping to ‘change’ them is some real dumb shit. I would know, I’ve been there; majority of us have.
Theres a huge disconnect between the sex’s at the moment. We have women acting like blokes, and we have blokes acting like bitches. It is unbalanced and the dating pool seems to be getting shallower and shallower. We have grown all too accustomed to: settling because we’re lonely, cheating because we’re bored, and thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Good relationships are nurtured consistently on BOTH sides. When I reflect on my needs, they are deep. No surface level shit.
I’ve not met a man who has captured my interest and can understand me the way I need to be understood. & Love me the way I need to be loved. Some people just cannot love you the way you need them to. You can only meet people as far as they have met themselves, and whilst agree with the proposition that they can learn; it's not always the best option for you. Especially if the pain being caused is overriding your positives of the relationships.
As you know, I’ve had trouble communicating my needs through fear of rejection.
I am aware of what I want and what I need. Whether I act appropriately in the moment is up to me. Being honest with yourself and a love interest takes bravery. My ability to identify my needs has only come about through very long periods of solitude. Not relying on a man to fill my void, filling it myself and then welcoming someone in, rather than dragging them. Some men ignite feelings of safety, some men ignite my anxious and fearful attachment. Like I said in my previous blog, on occasion we can get so focused on merely wanting someone that we forget to analyse who they are and if they are good for us. I know I can become engulfed in my partners, and every time I have done in the past, I’ve lost parts of myself that I highly value.
Time and time again, I see people bouncing from one relationship to the other. No time to heal, no time to re-discover who they are without their previous partners conditioning; and the reflection of growth throughout that relationship. People haven’t gotten to know themselves the way they need to. Their relationships are formed from the ego, a place of lack that needs filling, and that is never going to be a fulfilling relationship - not a long standing one anyway. It goes so much deeper than what someone can simply provide you in the current moment.
I don’t take relationships lightly.
They take up a lot of fucking effort, time and energy - all of which I need a lot of. I have goals and ambitions. If a man is coming into my space, I need the facilities to still be me, and he needs to ADD to my life. Not take away from it. I’ve had men whose vision of me has made me play small because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I’ve walked on egg shells because I’ve created baby bonds, and didn’t want to upset my other half by expressing my truth. When I look back now, I realise that no-one is to blame. It was just a lack of understanding in the moment. We are just not on the same wave. No-one is better than the other, we’re just not for each other and that’s perfectly okay.
We tend to demonise ex’s for not living up to our standards and expectations.
Obviously if they’ve been disloyal and or participated in any other major wrong-doings, its a hard no. Demonise that demon - just don’t let it consume you. Learn your lessons and move on. When it comes to outgrowing each other, it's a pretty normal thing. We change over long periods of time. Our needs change, our wants change, our personalities change. All of our environments are conditioning us daily. If you are fucking with someone who does not share the same vision of life that you do, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you stay, you’ll slowly chip away parts of yourself. You’ll put your hearts desires, and your souls dreams on the back bench just to stay with this person. Are they worth it? Truly?
We all have different needs that we wish to be met. What I need, is not what Stephanie needs. Dating is vital. Get to know someone before you commit and I mean TRULY get to know them. Ask them questions that shake up their soul, even if you know it’s going to make them feel uncomfortable. Its easy to get along when things are well… easy. Avoiding hard questions with yourself and your partner will keep the relationship rolling out, do you even know where you’re rolling to?
My last long-term relationship gave me my second worst anxiety attack. I thought I wanted all of these things: a nice new car, new home, good corporate job with my hustles on the side, and with the contribution of my partner; we almost had it ‘all’. I sat there one day in his flat, taking a piss, and all of a sudden I went dizzy. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t gather my thoughts. All I knew is, I needed to get the fuck home. I drove over an hour to get back to my house (I still live with my family) and as soon as I walked in the front door; my whole nervous system settled.
This was a good few years ago now. I’ve pondered on it a lot because I like to know WHY. I had finally built up the balls to tell this man I loved him, even though I knew I did for a long while - that shit was hard for me share anyways. We had open discussions about building this life together and we were moving further into what I thought both him and I wanted.
My conclusion was, although I had deep feelings for this guy, this kinda life isn’t for me. It’s for a lot of people, and it may be for me in the future but ultimately, I didn’t want that in the moment. Even though I was positive I did. My previous vision of what I thought I wanted my life to be, wasn’t what I actually needed. It wasn’t what my soul craved for - I think the panic attack was a wake-up call. I realised I was playing small. Has my life changed drastically since not being with him? Externally it may not look so, but internally, I’m a whole different bitch. I feel the best I’ve felt in my whole damn life, because I stopped forcing this narrative of how my life should be.
Instead, I’ve been experimenting with myself and my deepest needs - I’m excited to experiment more. I don’t know if I want to get married, that’s something I’ve always thought I would want, but I’ve never met someone that’s made me want to have that kind of commitment. I’ve not met someone on a level, who wants the freedom I do, and is willing to support my wings whilst I fly. And if I did, do I really need a marriage to 'cement' it? I think marriage is beautiful, but we are in a different time now. If I choose to commit to someone, I don't need a piece of paper from the government to authenticate my love.
I read a quote the other day that said:
‘The most important decision you’ll ever make in your life after choosing to believe in God, is the mate you choose to spend the rest of your life with. They’ll either inspire you to grow into greatness or confine you to complacency. They’ll either be your other half, or make you half yourself’ - Nuri Muhammad
& Thats some real ass shit.
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xoxo