The patriarchal paradigm that suggests a woman’s value is directly related to her sexual partners is the biggest bunch of bullshit.
I know women who have had a multitude of sexual partners and are nurturing, intuitive, respectful and wise. I know women who have had only a few sexual partners and are malicious, self-absorbed, spiteful and entitled. I also know vice-versa for each.
A woman’s value, in my opinion, is based on how she shows up in this world. The insight she brings, the grace she exudes, the peace she creates and the authenticity she stands steady in. ‘You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife’. Sir, you can turn seeds into food, metal into gold, pain into power. You can 100% change who you are as a person if you’re willing to work for it.
Anyone is capable of change.
It just takes the right environment for someone to flourish. That environment is both internal and external. I am an advocate for this because I have lived it. If I had stayed stuck in my old ways, using sex for validation and the only means to connect with masculine energy; I would be really fucked up by now. Worst case scenario, I would be dead.
I’ve been in some real sticky situations in my life, especially as a teen. I was lost and confused internally and that bread an external environment of danger. The only reason I am no longer in that position is because those actions broke me. Literally to the core of my being. I couldn’t tell you how many nights I was laid up in bed, tears soaking my pillow case because I had this overwhelming feeling of emptiness inside of me. My repetitive thoughts and actions over the course of many years had sunk into my subconscious and I had no awareness of why I was truly doing what I was doing.
Not having this awareness within oneself is threatening.
We operate 95% of the time via our subconscious mind. For those who don’t know, your subconscious is the home of automation within your being. Bodily functions such as breathing, regulating body temperature, your heartbeat and so on live here. It’s where your memories are stored, along with your beliefs and previous experiences. It is the land of dreams and nightmares. We hold both joy and trauma here, it is obedient to your conscious mind which is the home of your thoughts and feelings within the present moment; this information is then stored into your subconscious.
When an event has a significant emotional impact on us, we hold this within our subconscious because our body needs to remember that if this event happens again, what do I need to do? It’s for safety. Thats why you see people get triggered over something you say and do, even if you had pure intentions, it may remind them of a time where they were hurt, their body goes into fight or flight - protection mode. Same goes for positive situations and feelings of love and safety.
We have to be aware of our thoughts, they literally create the reality we live in. The way we see the world is based on our previous interactions and beliefs. If you believe people are pieces of shit then that’s exactly what they’ll be. If you believe people are good, that’s the world you will see. Give and take, there will always be instances that shake your beliefs, but you cannot let a few bad bananas spoil the bunch. This doesn’t just apply to how you see the world, it also applies to how you see yourself.
I like to see the good in people because I like to see the good in me.
This may have lead me to stay in situations that didn’t serve me, its caused me pain and heartbreak but I wouldn’t change it for the world because I KNOW I have done the best I can. I’ve had this burning desire to be great ever since I was a nipper. I continuously work on myself because I know there is always room for growth. My bump in the road has been struggling to accept the fact that not everyone operates like I do.
I spent a lot of time worrying about what others were thinking of me when I was younger, not that anyone would know that because I always gave off this confident ‘fuck you, I’m going to do me’ vibe. I’d say I’ve always been half and half. I was confident, but in the same breath I was also unsure. When I was promiscuous, I would literally refer to myself as a hoe or slut. The reason I would do this was because if I referred to myself as that, when someone else called me it, so fucking what? I know bitch.
I held a lot of shame and guilt throughout my teens. I can remember sleeping with men, sometimes other women’s men, and then thinking why the fuck did I do that? I didn’t even like this dude, he just gave me scraps of attention. Then I’d beat myself up and move onto the next one. The only thing I really wanted was for someone to see my value. I knew I was a good person and had a lot to bring to the table, but rather than trusting myself and having patience for the right man, I’d go seeking that recognition. I was desperate and the men could smell it on me.
I gave up my pussy because I knew men that's what men wanted. My issue was not understanding men and women operate completely differently, and not vetting the guys effectively. I gave myself away too easily and then would be hurting because I didn’t get the love I craved. I was naive. These were the early days and at this point I had a taste of sex and I fucking loved it. I didn’t not want to have sex and I wasn’t consciously aware of the fact that I had twisted my belief system to thinking, sex is just sex and nothing of value. If these guys are going to use me, I’m going to use them.
Dumb shit, but I didn’t know any better.
So I had numerous years of repeating this cycle. It came about in different forms but was always the same lesson. Anytime I was feeling a lack of love or intimacy in my life, I would project this onto sexual relations hoping it would fill the gap. It did temporarily. I would then drop back to feeling like shit. I had everything I wanted, apart from a man. Eventually, I couldn’t even see the worth in myself because all of my focus was going into the ‘why doesn’t he see my value?’, ‘am I not loveable?’, ‘do I even deserve love?’. These questions kept circling my psyche, feeding into the emotions of unworthiness and it became my belief.
I saw myself as low value but only when it came to men.
As soon as your focus comes outside of yourself, you have given away your power. You cannot control other people, all you can do is control YOU. Digging all of that trauma up and taking the time to really understand why I was doing what I was doing, was not easy. The realisation that you’re your own worst enemy is a hard pill to swallow. I had to take responsibility for my actions to be able to change them.
Now, I’m a genuine believer that life happens for you, not to you.
Having a man is a luxury, not a necessity. My twenties so far have really been enlightening. My discoveries within myself have elevated me to a place where its hard for me to conceive that I done a lot of the things I did. I’m not mad at younger me like I was before. I hold my inner child with so much love, patience and compassion now, because those were things I wasn’t providing myself when I was cycling through that phase.
The value isn’t in my pussy. The value I hold comes from the lessons I’ve learnt throughout all of those experiences and how I have transformed into the being I am now. The stories and lessons I get to share with you. My open mind that allows me to be accepting of things I don’t understand, because I know what it feels like to not be understood. The love I have to share because I know the world needs more of it. All of this and much more, that’s my treasure.
Perfection is an illusion and nothing I will ever strive for.
I know many men will not take a woman seriously if she has had a certain amount of sexual partners, that is merely their preference and you can’t hate on someone living in their truth. I know some men who wouldn’t come near me because of my past and because I do what I’m doing now, they find women being open with their sexuality revolting and not attractive, again, this is their truth.
For me, none of those men matter. None of their opinions matter. They do not align with my values. The only thing that matters is what I choose to believe about myself. Whether I see the value in myself. The same goes for you. When you are living in your truth, you open the passageway for those who want to connect with that truth. Those who see the treasure in it.
Those people are the only ones who truly matter.
There’s men who couldn’t give a shit about sexual partners, men who literally save women from their own destruction - I feel like men don’t get enough credit for this. We always talk about women saving men, but men save us too.
I believe our pasts define who we are in the now, but I won’t judge someone on their past. I don’t care who you were five years ago - I only care if you’re that same person now. You fucked up when you were 20? Shit son, me too. What have you done with that experience that has enriched your life in the now? I'm not embarrassed about my past, I would be embarrassed if I was still operating like that, knowing I know better.
We get to share our individual knowings with the world and that may come with some hatred from other people, but it also comes with beauty. I’m relaying this message from my beliefs, my experiences and my understandings. Life gets to be thrilling, no-ones journey’s are the same; although similarities may be present. A lot of my pain and passion has come from the experiences I have touched on in this blog and this is my unique print in the Universe. It’s what makes me delicious.
We are capable of change, we are deserving of a better life, we just have to believe in our worth to make the transition; even if we don’t see it straight away.
You are more valued than you know.
Sending you lots of love,
SIS xox