Dealing with disappointment is never easy.
I’ve mentioned before how pain is one of my main motivators. I don’t know what it is that sticks that fire up my ass, but some form of pain is usually the culprit. SIS was born when I thought I met someone who I could actually build with. Only to be ghosted, because he couldn’t get the narni when he wanted. This whole perception I had built around this dude, because of the right things he was saying, and the effort he was originally putting in. Evaporated when his true face finally appeared. I was taking my time to heal during this period, I hadn’t touched anyone in a long time. I was only willing to do so for someone who was truly wanting to SEE me.
Because I’m open about sex, men just assume I’m ready to open my legs from the get-go.
Through years of healing, the idea of giving myself to just anyone, doesn’t align anymore. My lustful desire for flesh, is no longer the driving force for me wanting to be intimate. There needs to be substance. This doesn't mean I won't get some loving with no strings attached. I’m waiting for the right man to come so I can fully submit; I’m not waiting for marriage. My pumpum still needs to eat, god damn it. The no-strings-attached relations, do not mean I will go with whoever is on my line at the time.
On the rare occasion, I’ll fuck someone on a random.
Not random as in I’ve just met them and want to get my leg over, those days are done. If there’s someone that I’ve got good chemistry with, that I know is good hearted, but isn’t what I want long-term, I’ll definitely just fuck. On the other hand, if I see something in someone that I really want to invest my time and energy into, my approach is different. I’m more reserved, I take my time, and the loving that I eventually give them is superlative. I love being physical and experiencing different people, but everyone doesn’t deserve the many layers of me. I have a lot to give, sex is a minor part of what I can provide. The older I grow, the more particular I am, and that’s because after years of low self-esteem, I now know my worth. I’m not saying this is the ideal approach for everyone.
Having sex with people with no intention, is not something I can do anymore.
Romantic love is mostly what comes to mind when heartache is mentioned. But it goes way beyond just romance. What about the ache in our chest when are dreams aren’t met? When our friends don’t show up for us the way we thought they would? The betrayal from friends and family members? Or when we let ourselves down during our journeys, knowing that we knew better…
Heartache is nothing but a catalyst for your next move.
I have full faith in the Universe. I know that’s not something everyone possesses, but it should be. Whenever I have fixated on something, or someone, and it’s not worked out. I’ve had two options: sit and wallow in the sadness of my desires not being met, or keep my shit moving knowing that another opportunity that will be better aligned, will come. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying I pick one option. My healing and ability to overcome, is a combination of both. Feeling sorry myself, asking WHY GOD WHY? Why have you forsaken me? This part is crucial because I need to just let whatever I feel arise and release. The next step is reminding myself that what is mine is MINE, and no-one can take that from me. So what is this trying to teach me? What opportunities do I have here? Show myself more love? Learn to let go? Work a little harder? Practice patience?
There is ALWAYS something to learn.
I’ve slipped up in the past by staying in option one for too long. It is here that my over-thinking has lead me to heightened periods of depression. I used to be so fearful about those periods, and that fear fed that state even more. Cycling over the same thoughts over, and over again, hoping I can just make sense of it. My conclusion: some shit just doesn’t make sense! Life doesn’t have to make sense, in fact, some amazing shit can arise through non-sense. I welcome non-sense with an open heart now. Heres the thing about feeling like your at rock bottom... it puts you on your ass and in the earth, and it is here that you can plant NEW seeds. This could be a belief, a thought or an action. Through time, attention, and intention, you have the opportunity to watch those new seeds grow. It is by no means easy. It takes strength, patience, and discipline. You’ve got to want the new version of you more than the comfortability of your old patterns. Will power is fucking sexy. That bitch is a SAVAGE. Cut throat. Take no fucking prisoners.
Heartache activates my willpower to an extent where I’m genuinely shocked that I have this amount of energy, clarity and connectedness within me. It reminds me that I ALWAYS have it there. I just get thrown off course when I’m focusing on things that aren’t feeding me appropriately. Your focus is detrimental to your health. Where you put your attention, will define whether you are living in alignment or not. I am a sucker for helping people, its what I’ve been put on earth to do. That doesn’t mean I am here to help everyone with every fucking thing. I can over-invest in my loved ones, taking on their problems like they’re my own, and this depletes me… a lot.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love them or that I don’t want to help. It just means I have to be conscious about how much of myself I am giving away. A lot of people don’t want to help themselves, they just want to rant. That’s cool. But I’m that bitch who sees a problem in my life and wants to fix it. I will put blood, sweat, and tears into mending my shit, because I want to live as abundantly as I can. On many occasions I assume that the people who are coming to me are on the same flex. They aren’t. They are finding their pain amusing, it’s feeding something within them that they are addicted to. They could be addicted to pain full-stop, many people are. I know I have been!
You can’t save anyone but yourself.
Whilst I am an advocate in supporting others on their journeys, it is everyones individual responsibility to save their own shit. No one can do it for you. People can share advice, provide a shoulder to cry on, express their love and compassion in the moments you need them. But ultimately, the responsibility is all on you! And people don’t want that shit. It's easier to blame everything outside of yourself. They see the effort that needs to go in, in order to elevate, and think fuck that! My old ways are breezy. So they repeat the same cycles, wondering why they're not getting different results. Insanity.
They are literally breaking their own hearts.
If you want something different, something better, you have to move accordingly. There’s no short-cut. Patience is E S S E N T I A L. Delving deep inside of yourself to understand your subconscious mind, and the motivations behind what you do, is fucking triggering. When you develop the knowledge, awareness, and understanding of why you do the shit you do. You have NO WHERE to run. NO WHERE to hide. Nothing left to do but to face your fucking shit. The more I delve into my own journey, the more I realise why so many people would rather be left asleep. Mediocracy is okay for them, they’re content with that. For many of us, whether we want to admit it or not, want MORE. Especially as we are entering this new era, we can feel shit needs to change, that life has more than the lies we've been fed.
The thought of being average makes me feel sick.
None of us are here to be average, that’s an insult to our creator. We’re here to learn, unlearn and EXPAND. In ALL facets of our being. To give up on your growth, is to give up on life. By all means, the journey is not linear. There will be days, months and years of good and bad shit that we have to work through. But this is the literal meaning of life! We have to endure the cycles and appreciate the opportunity to experience everything, bad and good.
Heartache is the message of opportunity and re-direction. Your body telling you that you want more, that you deserve MORE. Listen when it speaks and take the chance when it arises!
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xox