Hello darlings, its been a minute since I’ve created anything for your lovely soul so I hope you enjoy the words that follow…
Over the last few months I’ve endured some changes, mainly to do with relationships and my perception of self. Some relationships are thriving whilst some crumble. I'm usually very open in discussing what’s happening in my life but this shit has been DEEP. I don’t like to talk about things I haven't navigated through, but if you’re a supporter of my tings you will already know this.
Long story short, I am processing and I am hoping getting things down on paper will help me gain some closure.
A month or so ago I got back in contact with an old friend, we haven't spoken in four years and this is someone who I was real close to since I was 12 years old. I didn’t realise how many unresolved emotions I had orientated around the situation and our relationship in general. Shit got messy between us and although I still held them in high regard, I buried the pain and kept shit moving.
Anyways, through a chance meeting, I had this uncontrollable need to approach them. They were hesitant at first but eventually we laid everything out on the table, and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. It genuinely shook me to my core. Upon reflection I realised that if my communication skills were up to par back then, a lot of issues could have been avoided. It was emotional. I spent the week after reflecting and crying, but I got a good friend back.
After this occurred, as self aware as I’d like to think I am, I came to the realisation that I am really blind when it comes to certain shit.
I don’t take my spiritual practice lightly, it is the driving force of my life and whilst I know I am not perfect, I know I’m a decent human being overall. I take pride in the fact that I am always trying to do and be better with whatever life throws at me. But like I said, I am not perfect. Being a good friend is one of my highest values so when someone tells me I’ve been a shit one; best believe I am going to listen.
Theres a certain level of reciprocity that I expect in my friendships, I like things to be fair because if you are my friend I will give you A LOT of me - I am learning this isn’t always a good thing. You can do the most for someone and they’ll draw you out on the one time you chose yourself instead. I forget that others don’t share the same head and heart as me, and that’s okay.
I can pour way too much of myself into my loved ones. I’ll be stressing over their issues more than my own and then I wonder why I feel deflated. Coupled with the fact that I am an opinionated woman, I can sometimes be blunt with friends when they’re repeating cycles that are no good for them - especially if they know better. This has recently led me to loosing a friend.
When life events cause me to question my character, I delve right into ALL of the shit. I will take accountability where its due and its never my intention to spitefully hurt someone (unless you deserve it, I am yet to ascend to a level where I don’t feel this way), but sometimes its the shit we don’t want to hear that makes us actually listen. Because I have an anxious brain, I will over analyse and over think situations that I care about; especially if someone I love has told me I have hurt them.
Is what they are saying true about me or is it true for them? Are they projecting their shit onto me? I pull the receipts, analyse the findings and draw my conclusion. More time, there’s a hint of truth and that’s where I’ll put my focus. A part of me screams ‘YOU SHOULD NEVER JUDGE YOUR FRIENDS’ whilst another part declares ‘IS THIS RELATIONSHIP SERVING YOUR HIGHEST GOOD?’ I mean, I kinda need to judge them because if they aren’t aligning with who I am or who I wish to be then, watdafuk?
I am fussy when it comes to friendships. I am also very sentimental when it comes to friendships - I find it hard to let go because of the past we’ve shared. You could have comforted me in a class 15 years ago and I will honestly never forget it. Where does the line between co-dependency and healthy boundaries begin? For me, this has continuously changed over the years and I now refuse to dishonour myself and my needs to accommodate to someone else - no matter how much I love you.
I have friends in numerous circles because not every friend is going to give you all you need - I learnt that from early. & whilst I know not every friendship will last a life time, it still stings when you realise ones come to an end.
Our relationships are a reflection of us, through time we change and so do our friendships. Not because one person is better than the other but because it’s simply time to move on. Subconsciously, some of us think we’re moving from a place of purity. We like to think because we’ve done some healing and learnt some lessons that old behaviours will never rear their head again.
They do.
Certain environments can draw us back to our old selves, this is fine and very normal. It’s a lesson and challenge we get to experience. The important thing is to be self aware when all of this is unfolding. I’ve seen old Shan appear over the last few weeks, the insecure and anxious side of myself that needs external validation.
Your girl has been out and about, drinking it down and living it up and its been a real fucking fun time but I have neglected my very much needed me-time. This has been a contributing factor as to why I have felt unaligned but I’ve welcomed this side of my old self with open arms and tried my best to listen and cater to her needs.
We’re all human, we all fuck up and the most important thing to remember is that YOU have the POWER to change things. It’s YOUR duty to demand more of yourself and others. Naturally some people won’t be able to give you what you need and that’s where your self love and capability to let go will need to be in full force. Don’t hang on to people or things that don’t align with who and where you want to be.
Oh and in the midst of all of this friendship shenanigans, I began dating again. I’ll tell you all about it next time…
Lots of love
SIS xox
Image sourced from instagram @alexisrakun