What would life be without it?
I have been reflecting a lot over the last few weeks and something that has repeatedly came up; is the subject of hope. We all know life isn’t a walk in the park. There are days that feel like anything is possible, and days where we feel like no matter what we do, shit just won’t change. I am lucky in the fact that, even on my worst days, I still have a burning sense that things will always work out for me.
It hasn’t always been like this though.
I’ve had periods in my life where the depression has been all consuming. Where I’ve genuinely felt what is the fucking point? These thoughts happened pretty early on in my life. I still have phases now, where I slip into them, but through years of dissecting myself and really getting to the root; I find those darker times a lot more manageable.
I remember being in an English lesson in middle school and learning the word ‘optimistic’. Despite my ability to write, vocabulary hasn’t been my strong suit. I liked this word though. Feeling or showing hope for the future. It made me ponder on my life, my dreams have been big, ever since I was a child. My desired occupations swung between wanting to be a therapist, criminal profiler, actress and dancer. Anything that allowed me to harness my natural skillset and earn good money. I enjoy having attention on me, not as much as I used to, but I definitely feel a buzz when my talents are recognised and appreciated by others.
Believing in yourself can be difficult when others don’t see your vision.
Friends and family have supported me continuously throughout my life - for that I am blessed. That doesn’t mean that when I’ve originally had an idea and expressed my vision, that I haven’t felt some hesitancy. I’ve told you all before, I am sensitive to energy. I could sense that they believed in me, but were a little sceptical on whether my goals would be achievable. I would go away questioning my abilities. But I’m not afraid of hard work. If I feel there is something I really want to achieve, I will try my absolute best, to get it. In the process of this happening, I have been re-directed to new paths that have felt more aligned to me after periods of growth. Leaving one vision for the other has sometimes felt unsettling.
Does this mean I haven’t been successful in my pursuits?
When I started vlogging back in 2018, I had nothing but hopes of becoming an OG YouTuber. I really enjoyed creating content, and I would just intuitively flow with the subjects I felt I should share at the time. This began with me vlogging festivals and then eventually developed into a space where I would share my spiritual journey. It felt aligned. Towards the beginning of 2022, I just fell out of love with it. It started feeling like a chore and I know work feels like this sometimes but I didn’t want it to. When I could find the motivation to create, I was realising that energetically, it did not feel fulfilling. I wasn’t getting that pump it originally gave me back in 2018. In the midst of this transition, I was asked on a few occasions to write for some companies on the subjects that I was talking about in the vlogs. A reoccurring theme was coming up and that was my love for the taboo and sex.
Those few people who recognised my ability, paved the way for SIS.
Little did I know, that recognition and feedback from my written pieces, expanded my whole world. I love to write. I always have done. It was just never something that was at the forefront of my mind. Even in school, I never finished a full book in English, but I always passed my exams. I like the hidden meaning of things, so although I never completed a book, the parts we were discussing in class: the symbolism, the ability to digest and connect according to our own life experience, was exciting for me. I can blab, exponentially. I’m guessing that’s why I passed.
To be able to write about things that I love, is a whole different league.
I am passionate about what I believe in. Sex has always been something that I’ve found extremely interesting. I am drawn to it. This was rooted in my trauma, trauma I didn’t know was trauma at the time, but had lead me to creating some pretty exhaustive events. These events have been my fuel for healing, and my fuel for wanting to create a safer space for people to be able to own and express their desires. Years of introspection and reflection, revealed that sex was indeed a passion but the real centre of it all was my desire for love and appreciation.
My trauma lead to a long search for love.
I craved romantic love during my childhood and teenage years, I was just going about it in a backwards way. My conditioning wasn’t allowing me to see the value in my heart and mind. Only my body. A body that men would use to make themselves feel better, a body I would lend because those small moments of connection made myself feel better. I didn’t know how much of myself I was chipping away during these times, and it was years before I got the realisation that these brief moments of pleasure were pushing me further away from what my heart truly needed.
You can’t search for love in other people.
I genuinely couldn’t tell you how many times I would meet a guy I liked, and put all of my energy into trying to make them see my worth. Sitting on the hope of them finally coming to the realisation that I am worthy of so much more than what they were giving me. I am full of so much love, always have been. I just wanted to receive the same amount that I was dishing out. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. You can’t force anyone into anything, and if on the odd occasion you do, is it authentic? Does it create a safe space for you to flourish and invest in the other person with no doubt? Just pure trust and hope that everything you’re investing will be returned ten fold?
Love finds you, love is YOU.
When things mean a lot to us, the thought of it going wrong or not receiving it at all; can be debilitating for our spirit. Over the years I have discovered that everything that is meant for me, is mine. There's no struggle and no doubt. Those love interests, those dreams that I’ve let go, have all been pushing me towards what is actually meant for me. Our minds can become obsessed, we create scenarios of results we wish to receive so when they don’t happen, we can feel defeated. I’ve felt defeat many, many times. The only way I have overcome this is by trusting in the unknown.
The unknown is scary for many of us.
Majority of the anxiety and depression I now experience is from the unknown. My need to control, to feel safe any way I know how. Having the ability to overanalyse, and become so attached to an outcome, can actually prevent us from pushing forward, to seeing a bigger picture, to receiving more than our minds can comprehend. Releasing is something I have struggled with, but the more trust I build within myself, the more hope I have in this beautiful Universe, the more I feel at ease. I spent so long in my masculine, and by all means, masculine energy is crucial for actually working towards our desires, but I wasn’t honouring the feminine.
The feminine is the ability to both give and receive love, but we must learn to let go.
Being out of touch with the fem will make it hard to experience healthy and balanced love. I struggled with receiving others energy, I struggled with receiving compliments, I struggled with receiving my own intuition. Wisdom is deeply rooted in all of us. We just need to learn how to fucking listen! Our ego’s are masculine, they sometimes lead us astray, but a healthy ego is vital when wanting to reach our goals. A very dear friend and mentor of mine explained the masculine and feminine as a river and its banks. The feminine flows, it travels to new places, picking up new information as it goes, and nurturing whatever it touches in its path. The masculine is the banks, the protector, providing stability and keeping shit together whilst the fem flows and does her thing.
Balance is key, hope is imperative.
Whenever we are trying to obtain anything in our lives, we must remember to honour the duality within us all. The ability to change our route and have faith that we WILL get to where we want to be, as long as we are doing the work. Internally and externally. I want to feel love pouring into and out of every aspect of my life. I think way too many of us are merely settling because we are scared to really do what we want. It could be going for your dream job but a fear of rejection or not being 'fully' capable leads us to stay still and not try. Desiring love so deeply that we settle with whatever is given, just to say we have something. Keeping friends close through sentimentality rather than having aligned values and true support.
Changes and dreams, all require hope.
Hope keeps us going, hope helps build resilience, hope reminds us that we are deserving of more. Hope requires action. Hope without action is merely wishing. Hope assists us in changing our reality, it pushes us through our hard times and its one of the many reasons I fucking love being human.
What a beautiful thing hope is.
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xox
PS: SIS is making some changes, changes to enhance my future and follow my dreams. The erotic content will now be available via a small subscription fee of £3 per month. I also have some 1-2-1 offerings that can you take a look at via the menu bar on this site. I have a lot of wisdom to share with you and offering individual sessions has been a desire of mine for a while, rather than reading about all of my magic, I want to guide you to embrace and amplify your own.
I will see some of you real soon!
Lots of love